Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: …Love shouldn’t wear a baseball cap. Nobody knew what to expect from Jordan Love. The coaches never really bragged about his preseason, nor did they express concerns. Coach can’t really say at this early stage if Jordan Love will be the 3rd straight Hall of Fame QB for the Packers, but I can say with confidence that he will never rock a dad hat like Aaron Rodgers. …or like Aaron Jones, or like any of the Packers staff, for that matter. You see, Jordan Love has too much vertical gap between his ears and the largest diameter of his cranium. It’s a simple matter of height ratios. A 4-inch cap cannot cover a 6-inch span. Worst case, dad hats should only sit as high as the top of the ear, never above that. Sporting a 2-inch airfield is like wearing white pants after Labor Day (or at all). Ipso facto, he looks like a dork. So cover that melon, Jordan! Lucky for you, it’s gonna turn chilly here soon, and you look great in a knit hat. ... at least, in Coach's humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme You may have heard Kaaron Rodgers is concerned with an allergy s/he has to radiator antifreeze (PEG) and the possible effect on a forthcoming progeny. Upset with those around him/her for leaking the progress toward paternity, Kaaron went on the Pat McAfee daytime talk show and displayed an acute confusion for over 45 minutes … only to be quickly followed by another session of 20 minutes where s/he expressed regret for “misleading” everyone. Clearly upset and conflicted emotionally, Kaaron decided to sit out the Kansas City game, causing a big enough social media kerfuffle to break the World Wide Interweb for a few days. We all agree that Kaaron is emotionally wrought, no doubt due to raging hormones, and it was probably for the Love of the team that s/he decided to sit out the Chiefs games last week. … which led to 2020 1st Rnd Draft Pick Jordan Love finally playing in a real game. Is Love a secondhand emotion? Well, he’s no Aaron Rodgers (yet?). But finished the game with a significantly better Passer Rating than the new QB in Chicago. Just sayin’… Coach LaFleur was glowing about Love’s ability to stand there and take a hit. Coach was kind of hoping we’d be talking about his amazing ability to throw the football. But I guess LaFleur knows what’s important(?). I think it’s kinda like the guy on Coach’s Freshman Year dorm floor. Now he could take a hit. The guy was in ROTC and liked to drink Everclear-and-Hawaiian-Punch on Friday nights and then dive down the concrete and steel stairs in until he passed out. Too bad for him Viet Nam had ended, and he had nowhere to go. Yup, that must be what LaFleur meant (the only surprise is that he didn’t add “and he really likes football”). To be fair to Love, he did look OK passing toward the end of the game, but he made several off-balance throws that he should have eaten or pitched into the stands. Eventually he did throw the INT below. LaFleur did admit after the game that he did not do Love any favors in play calling. Officially Love was 19 of 34; actually, it was 19 of 39. His 5 rushing carries were scrambles from the backfield. The point being that we were on the road, in a noisy stadium with a QB make his first-ever NFL start … and the LaFleur called 39 passing plays and 20 running plays … and the running backs were averaging 5 yds/carry against 7-and-8-man boxes! Man-oh-man … flashbacks to the 3rd Qtr of the NFC Championship game last year. Add to that, many of the pass-plays were downfield and we never went for a slant over the middle (where there were no LB’s). Dumb, Matt, dumb. Certainly, Love looked like an inexperienced QB in his first start, but with the Defense doing an outstanding job, he would have easily won this game against the Chiefs if his Head Coach and the Special Teams cooperated. Interstitial musing: What’s the Over/Under on how long ’til they become the “Kansas City Football Team”? Defense! Wow, look out, just when we least expect it (KC Receivers dropped numerous passes that would have kept the sticks moving, and…), the Defense is now ranked 6th in points allowed at 20-pts/game. For the last 2 years the OLB/DE’s in Poutine’s scheme did not play sound defense, they did not keep outside contain and regularly runners bounced out around the edge. In the clip above Preston Smith does an outstanding job of maintaining outside contain while squeezing down the running lanes. The Defensive highlight of the game came late in the 2nd Quarter. Amarone Rodgers caused a muffed punt and the Chiefs recovered at the Packers 10-yard line. The Chiefs advanced to the 3-yard line where on 3rd Down Kris Barnes obliterated Darrel Williams, preventing a sure TD. It’s been a long, long time since the Packers Defense played this well overall. We held Mahomes to a 74.8 passer rating and limited KC to 237 total yards, 77 yards rushing and 28:27 TOP, despite having two turnovers. K-C only had one sustained scoring drive all day, a 64-yard drive for a TD on the 1st possession of the game (after a bad punt). The other two scores were FG’s that came on drives of 4-yards and 25-yards. And we held them to 0 points in the 2nd-half. Unbelievable… Mason Crosby is now ranked 34th in FG % … out of 32 Teams in the NFL (and he’s tied for 18th in XP%). Is it Mason’s fault? Well, obviously, he shares some of the blame … but mainly it is the snapping, the holding and the blocking … so basically everything is F’d up with the FG unit. ST Coach Maurice Drayton was the under assistant coach helper to our last ST Coordinator who was fired because he was incompetent. What a shocker that his assistant is worse. Nice guy, ineffective coach. Fire Drayton We had 18 Special Teams Plays in the game and fully 50% of them were hugely negative plays that gave KC the win. Coach would love it if you studied the chart below … but he knows that you are only looking for pictures … so suffice to say that red is bad and there’s a lot of f’ng red. Special Teams plays directly caused a 9-point swing in the game: A missed FG - 3 points A blocked FG - 3 points A KC FG from the muffed punt - 3 points (the D saved another 4 from the “shudda-been” TD) Reverse those plays and we win the game 13-10 … with just those plays. And don’t give me that “Well, these guys didn’t play special teams in college so they’re first learning how to do it now” crap. It is the same situation for EVERY NFL TEAM, even the Bears for the chry-eye-eye (who typically play really good kick coverage despite being devoid of talent); the only difference is coaching – both head coach and ST coach. For the love of Mike, why can we not hire a decent Special Teams Coach? Is Nolan Crowell still out there somewhere … Jimmy go look up what he’s doing these days. This was truly a ST’s debacle that will stick in the anals of Packer lore forever. (BTW, where is Brian Bostick these days?) WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Football From Final Brett Favre Pass Comes To Rest In Lake Superior TWO HARBORS, MN—Surprised by an unexpected splash next to his dinghy along the western shore of Lake Superior, fisherman Lars Gutænsö netted what turned out to be the final errant pass ever thrown by Brett Favre. Gutænsö notified local authorities of his find, and Sherriff Olåf Yugätörgøn was able to use forensic science to trace it back to the December 20th, 2010 Monday Night Football game at TFC Bank Stadium in Minneapolis (because the Metrodome roof had collapsed one week earlier) against the Bears. The pass was launched slightly out of bounds and over the Minnesota Göphers bleacher seating on the clock-killing play right before Favre was knocked unconscious by Bears defensive lineman Cory Wootton. When reached for comment, the Hall of Fame quarterback made some peculiar remarks about the pigskin’s recovery. Reporters thought perhaps Favre misunderstood their question about the find when he responded, “Committing the entire offensive playbook to memory was always a struggle for me. I would usually just call out some combination of numbers and colors, and eventually the center would get fed up and snap me the ball.” Favre went on to say that “Throwing the ball downfield is really hard, especially since they allow 21 defenders on the field. They even let half of them wear the same color shirt as me. It’s super confusing.” Later he confessed, “To this day, I can’t fall asleep without being fully concussed.” The gridiron hero looked up and concluded his interview with, “I played football?” The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof ‘God Has A Plan For Me,’ Says Man Who Was Drafted By The Chicago Bears CHICAGO—Praising the Lord for the divine guidance on his journey, former Ohio State quarterback Justin Field, a man who was drafted by the Chicago Bears, told reporters Wednesday that God has a plan for him. “Everything that happened was meant to be, and I have faith that God in all his goodness is looking out for me,” said the man who will now have to spend the next 5 years of his life living in Illinois and playing for a franchise that squandered the prime of several generational superstars. “It’s been a tough year, but you have to keep believing and hold on to the knowledge that God is looking out for you. God is great – and spending my time on a middling team made up mostly of people who are in the same situation as me is proof – he loves me and wants the best for me.” At press time, God was mapping out a plan for Field to go down with an ACL tear in the second half of the season. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground The Painted Puppies We would have loved to attend the Rutgers game, but luckily one of our friends was a keynote speaker at the annual voyeur’s conference which annually is scheduled in Key West to coincide with Fantasy Fest. Go figure. Anyway, in addition to the spot on analysis we usually give, we have the annual match the face to the rest of the body contest . The winning entry will receive a non-expenses paid trip to a destination of their choice and a highly valuable recognition on our blog. Here are the faces: Bucky kicked ass against Rutgers. Big whup. Expected. Resting on laurels. Having said that, we can’t recall the last time a Big Ten team accomplished all three of the following on defense in the same game:
This Week! Statistics too often lie in college football, but that is not the case with this year’s Northworstern team. They are really bad, particularly on offense. Bucky is licking chops! The Mildcats would need five Jazz Peavy touchdown steal calls from the refs, along with triple the phantom calls from last year’s game to make this one close. Only a busted coverage, muffed punt, Wisconsin turnovers or lapse by the 2nd & 3rd string defense in the 4th quarter allows them to score more than a field goal on offense. And speaking of licking chops and muffs, here are the Painted Puppies... match the faces to win!! So, what happens Saturday? Bucky rolls, 59-3 and we again wonder what this season could have been had Leo Chenal taken preventive measures to enhance his odds of being available for blowing up the Penn State and Notre Dame offenses for four quarters in each game. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game What an interesting game … … Russ is back, but will his figure really be healed? … Kaaron could be back (pending the NFL’s “a positive test means you can’t play, even though the CDC says you are no longer contagious 10-days after testing positive the first time” rule), but will they get winded easily after having the Covid? He’s had enough wind to talk our ears off all week, so that parts should be ok. As it stands today, we are the 2nd Overall Seed in the NFC and the Seachickens are out of the Playoffs, but with Russ back they will be treating Sunday’s game like it is a Playoff. The Seachickens are averaging a bit more scoring/game than us and are giving up a few more points, but basically, we both have mediocre offenses and pretty-good-top-10 Defenses. The net result is that Vegas is giving us the half-point mathematical advantage plus 3 points for home-field advantage. We lead the Seachickens 14-9 All-time, but during the Wilson/Carroll vs. Rogers/(MM/MLF) era we are 4-4 … with the home team winning all 8 games (including the incorrect Fail Mary call). The formula is pretty straightforward: At Lambeau we go 14 to 3 at half-time and we extend the lead slightly in the 2nd-half. At Seattle it’s been very similar, we lead at half-time but then we give away cheap points at the end of the game (see also, ’14 NFC Champ Game). Detestable Seachicken’s Head Coach, Pete Carroll, mentioned the recent historical trend of Home Team’s winning in his comments this week. A few betting facts from the 2021 Season:
The plan this week has to be to turn the road graders loose and run, run, run. It’s supposed to be cold-ish and sloppy rain/snow at Lambeau this week … time to see if Dillion can be an Edgar Bennett mudder. Packers 21 Seachickens 13 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them The only thing worse than cheating without consideration for others, is getting caught -- and then looking the public in the eye and lying about it. See also, Aaron Jefferson Braun. Is there anything worse than that, Coach? Yes, Jimmy, there is -- The opportunistic woke mob. Yeah, there were some bad choices made in Green Bay, trying to walk a fine line on the COVID wire, and probably some deceitful statements by a guy who throws a pigskin – guilty as charged, punishment issued and wrist swollen red. But piling on the Packers as an organization that doesn’t care about others, and is only is concerned with image – like the self-righteous woke mob is currently doing, is complete ignorant bullshit. You might have heard that Vince Lombardi was a pioneer that welcomed minorities to "culturally backwards" Green Bay (something the woke mob insists on; ok that's a good thing) if these players had talent and the will to win ... purportedly because he himself was subject to discrimination as an Italian-American, which prevented him from getting a deserved head coaching job at every other NFL team except the Packers. ...Hmmm... maybe Green Bay isn't culturally backwards? Did you know, too, that Vince had a gay brother, and welcomed gay players on his roster? The woke mob surely is not smart enough to dig into these facts and they can suck on that until they gag. Which brings us to this week’s Packers throw-back subject, Dave Kopay. In 1972, the Packers signed running back David Kopay to play in what turned out to be the final 14 games of his NFL career. The Chicago native grew up in Sherman Oaks, California and was heavily influenced by the SoCal lifestyle there before playing college ball at Washington (the state, not the District). To Kopay’s delight, he was signed by the San Francisco 49ers in 1964 and played with the boys there for 4 years before bouncing around various locker rooms in the League, cutting his teeth as an Oiler before winding up in Green Bay as a bona fide Packer. His stats in Green Bay included a meager 10 rushes for a measly 39 yards, with 1 fumble. After he retired from the NFL, he was considered a top contender for coaching positions, but believes he was snubbed by professional and college teams because of his sexual orientation. Can you guess what it is? Kopay went to work in his uncle's floorcovering business in Hollywood. Still unsure? Supposedly 5.6% of Americans are gay, so -- doing the back-of-the-napkin math, and considering that 1,696 players make up the NFL's active rosters, this means approximately 95 ballers use the back door. Since Kopay, five additional former NFL players have come out as gay (sexually), Roy Simmons in 1992, Esera Tuaolo in 2002, Wade Davis in 2012, Kwame Harris in 2013 and Ryan O'Callaghan in 2017. To date, only one current NFL player, Carl Nassib, has come out publicly as gay (in 2021). Like Kopay, none of them are any good at football, but kudos to Dave for being the tip of the spear -- credited with inspiring these athletes to be more open about their sexual orientation (gay). Aaron Rodgers is only suspected of being gay, probably because he’s thin and neat, and his fiancé looks like a guy.
Perhaps more impressive (to some), after football Kopay became a Gay Games Ambassador for the Federation of Gay Games (yes, those are things … Who knew?). He went to Gay Games VII in Chicago in July 2006 (for reference, there were only VI Rocky movies at that time, and not counting the Creed movies, there were only a total of VI Rocky movies, which just goes to show what I’ve always said, “Gay Games will last longer than the Rocky movie series.”) and was a featured announcer in the opening ceremonies, which -- for reference, was an honor bigger than singing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” with gay drunk announcer Harry Caray at Wrigley Field during the 7th inning stretch! And last, but certainly not least, with Seattle coming to town this week (in their “happy” uniforms) it would be remiss to not mention that Kopay announced he will leave a generous $1 million endowment to the University of Washington Q Center. Again, who knew there was such a thing? So, we stand erect and firmly salute Packer hero Dave Kopay – a gay football player, not that there’s anything wrong with it.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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