...Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Cards Against Humanity PHOENIX—The Green Bay Packers face an Arizona Cardinals team peppered by accusations that the organization is full of horrible people. TWICE in July, general manager Steve Keim was guilty of extreme DUI and served jail time plus seven days of house arrest, and is required to have an ignition interlock device installed on his vehicle for at least a year. Under heavy pressure from League officials, the Cardinals suspended Keim for five weeks and fined him $200,000. Despite the egregious faux pas by the team’s GM, first year head coach Steve Wilks has been adamant that his players and staff are “...just a bunch of regular guys, doing regular football things.” But recently discovered team memos and play calls have made those in League offices skeptical. Wilks would not comment on Post-It notes found at the team’s practice facility with what appeared to be his handwriting, instructing rookies to conduct various acts such as “Fire a rifle into the air while balls deep into a squealing pig” and other players (depending upon position) to “Pack 8oz of Mexican black-tar heroin” or “Put 50,000 volts straight to the nipples” or “Video yourself getting so angry that you pop a boner.” Moreover, the 2018 Cardinals Playbook was found to have diagrams of Offensive and Defensive play calls with unusual names like: “Two midgets shitting into a bucket” “Chunks of dead hitchhikers” “Earwax, semen, and toenail clippings” “German dungeon porn” and “Ass cancer.” Should the NFL have seen all of this Cardinals calamity coming? Consider this: it was quietly released last week that, at the Owner’s meetings back in February, Cardinals officials suggested doing away with traditional means to determine who takes first possession at the start of a game. As an alternative, they proposed replacing the coin toss with simply giving the ball to the team with the player who pooped last before the playing of the national anthem. That was clearly a red flag, but probably ignored when the idea was shot down because of inability to determine first possession in the event of an overtime scenario. Well, Cardinals, you have officially been exposed, and your shameful shenanigans that threaten the decency of western civilization will be tolerated no longer! …unless you lose to Green Bay on Sunday. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Murphy Declares Success Current Packer Interim President Mark Murphy declared success today, “with our record trending in this positive direction, I believe we can secure a Top 5 draft pick.” Murphy went on to say “I believe it’s obvious that all of the development projects around Lambeau Field are coming together nicely. No matter how bad the team is, there should be enough cash to support healthy bonuses for me. Remember, in the words of Vince Lombardi ‘Winning isn’t the most important thing, blah, blah, I forget the rest”. Mrs. McMurphy Summarizes Coach has “deep insight and knowledge” into several of the spouses at 1265 and, for the sake of anonymity, we’ll just call the subject of this inquiry “Mrs. McMurphy.” Below is actual film footage from Green Bay Police body cameras of a domestic disturbance last Sunday evening at the McMurphy residence. The audio is a bit blurred, but if you lean in closely you can make out “Miarke, I tired of this f’ng broken record, it’s one shitty performance after another, what kind of D*&@less wonder are you??” Defense Inching Toward “Good Enough” For a team that had below par talent on D, and now has a ton of injuries, Mike Pettine has done a really decent job of getting the most out of his guys. The 1st Qtr play above is just good old school football. Can’t get to the guy with the ball? Blow up the f’er in front of you and get there. If we had one or two guys at each level of the D playing like this, we’d be a top 5 Defense. We’ve been making incremental improvements each week, and the chart below bears that out. For the Season we are ranked No. 16 with 24.3 pts/gm allowed, but we’ve improved to 21.0 over the last 3 games and have inched up to number 14. Where we’ve been really good all year is in the 2nd half, we’re at 9.3 pts allowed for the Season and 7.7 for the last 3 games, both Top 10 Defense numbers. Where we have struggled is 1st half points allowed and takeaways. Both are Bottom 10 for the Season, but we’ve improved to middle of the pack over the last 3 games. All-in-all, for a team predicated on winning on the brain, legs & arm of #12, the Defense has played well enough. So, Coach, if the Defense is “good enough for now,” why are we tied with Cleveland at 4-6-1? Well Billy, mainly it’s bad Offense combined with abysmal in-game coaching decisions (not play calling, just idiotic decisions no NFL head coach should make that give way the game) and at least one colossal blunder on the Special Bus Teams. Against Vickies we were only down by 3 with 1:58 left in the 3rd Qtr when questionable-draft-pick-punter-Scott kicked a weak 43 yarder which was returned to the Packers 36. Add on a bonus 5 yd penalty and the Queens went the 31 yards in 4 plays and the Packers were down by 10. The play that was most emblematic of ST execution came with 6:00 min left in the 4th. The Defense was gassed because the Offense kept giving the ball back to the Queens, but they forced them to punt on 4th & 3 at the Packers 37. That’s when… Give Tramon credit, he fully owned up to his mistake right after the game (some think it would be nice if #12 did as well). As it turns out, the Defense did an outstanding job of stopping the dips from St. Paul, but that stop left the ball on the GB 7 yd line with 4:51 left on the clock. We managed a FG on the ensuing drive and that was the final score, 24-17. Offense is the primary problem For the year we have “won” a little over half of the quarters we have played; the problem always seems to be that we fall apart and get blown out too often for that to matter. The chart below has a mind boggling amount of statistics, and they all boil down to:
Toward the bottom of the chart, you can see that we have been absolutely Dead Last in the NFL on “Plays per game” over the last 3 games. We are 30th in 3rd Down conversion percentage, leading to 26th in 2nd Half Time-of-Possession…leading to being ranked 27th in 2nd Half Points scored over the last 3 games. Why Coach, why? Well Billy, since Aaron Jones came back from weed probation, the offense clicks during the first quarter, but then stagnates as MM rests him during the second quarter, then continues to stagnate as multiple factors weigh in, including Rodgers missing receivers and not throwing to open guys underneath. The formula used to be short passes and runs until safeties play closer to the LOS to stop the short stuff, then pop a long pass to Driver, Jennings or Jordy. Now the pattern is one of looking deep, ignoring wide open receivers underneath, continue to look deep, throw the ball away or (particularly on 3rd down), take a sack. (Watch for Rob Demovsky's report on that tomorrow.) The “scripted” first 15 plays are not only working, but are actually creative (McVay/Peyton-ish) with lots false motion and misdirection! ...and then when get to play number 16, it’s back to the same ol shit. Born in the Year-of-our-Lord-1963, in his 11th game of his 13th year of Coaching the GBP, John Michael McCarthy of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, seems to have finally figured out when to go for it on 4th and short. At 7:28 in the 3rd Qtr with the score tied at 14-14, facing 4th down and roughly 25.4 millimeters on the GBP 44, McCarthy decided to go for it….Bravo! Finally! After countless blunders on down-&-distance: go-or-it? kick-the-FG? punt? go-for-the-TD? punt? what-do-I-do? Yes, Coach will admit, Mike made the right decision. Well, sort of... After the game Rodgers “defended” the play by pointing out that Davante Adams had never practiced the play. Aaron, come again? What in the name of Vince Lombardi power football are you talking about? We’ve gone over-and-over the same mistakes being made every week (see also Mrs. McMurphy above). Coach has heartburn for three reasons on this play:
This whole sequence is simply disgusting and is a microcosm of the Season. And just to put some icing on the cake, after Bakhtiari got hurt Jason Spriggs came in and was a disaster. And to think Ted actually traded up to get this guy. Time for the players to get their shit together, live up to their potential, and win out. The remainder of our schedule is loaded with “gimme” games, so if they lose any of these, heads will roll (God willing). Shoot, we still have a reasonable chance of making the playoffs! More on that later, but Coach is gonna take a break from last week’s poop show and cover some other important topics that you'll want to know about… WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Rob Demovsky Spends Busy Day Stating The Obvious, Starting Rumors BRISTOL, CT – Capping off a chock-full week of reporting common knowledge and giving serious thought to shit he can make up about how Aaron Rodgers’ love life is affecting his throwing accuracy, Packers Insider for ESPN and Illinois native, Rob Demovsky, spent a busy day fueling speculations and not ruling things out. “After dedicating a few hours in the morning to drawing a lot of focus, laying groundwork, and considering unnamed sources, Mr. Demovsky conducted a full afternoon of taking stock of things and thinking it through, as well as several hours of careful reflection,” ESPN intern Skippy Sanderson said of the 47-year-old’s breakneck schedule of entertaining various possibilities and doing due diligence. “Between looking ahead and setting the stage, Rob has been putting in 18-hour days of late. No sooner has he finished up an evening’s worth of rewording things he heard on WLUK's Inside The Huddle, than he has to wake up the next morning at 6 a.m. and resume groundless assertions without the benefit of actual player interviews.” Sanderson later added, “...and there is no truth to the rumor that Rob is planning to change his surname to Dipshitsky. In fact, he didn't even start that one.” When sought for comment on his next breaking story about the Green and Gold, Demovsky was trying to squeeze in several more minutes of rushing to judgement before sparking baseless rumors and generating lackluster buzz. Quinten Rollins: “I’ve Always Dreamed Of Playing For The Cardinals Since I Was Released By The Packers And Had No Other Options” MESA, AZ – After signing an unconfirmed length contract with the team, Cardinals cornerback Quinten Rollins revealed Wednesday that he has always dreamt of playing for Arizona from the moment he was released by the Green Bay Packers and had absolutely no other alternatives. “Ever since I can remember being a free agent without a shred of interest from any other teams, I’ve always wanted to wear that Cardinals uniform,” said Rollins, adding that he leapt at the opportunity as soon as he heard the Cardinals were the sole NFL franchise willing to employ him following his disappointing stint with the Packers. “To finally be where I’ve dreamed of playing since back when I was told by my agent that the Cardinals were my only shot at continuing my NFL career – it is really a dream come true.” Reached for comment, Cardinals head coach Steve Wilks told reporters he had always hoped to work with Rollins, dating back to the first time he realized the four-year veteran was the only cornerback the team could get. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Legendary Bears Coach Suffers Heart Attack NAPLES, FL – “Iron Mike” Ditka, the former NFL coach who led the Chicago Bears to a Super Bowl over 30 some years ago, was hospitalized in Florida earlier this week after suffering a heart attack. According to reports, Ditka, when learning the Bears didn’t lose back-to-back division games, grabbed at his upper chest, clenched his jaw and pushed out the words “Earth!...Devil!…Floods!…,” as he writhed in pain. This is Ditka’s 2nd such cardiovascular failure in addition to an acute stroke suffered in recent years. In a show of support for the aging competitor, a Wisconsin tavern has dedicated a menu item to him as a heart-healthy alternative. The so-called “FIB Platter” is a fugly vegetables-only offering, over-priced and heavily-taxed, lacking in sanitary presentation and devoid of flavor. Sunday Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds Of Murders CHICAGO – The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from a holiday snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Sunday morning and continued to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind schedule, public authorities announced. “As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,” Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Michael Davidson said on Monday, which caused numerous homicide cancellations in the wee early Sunday morning hours which are normally peak murder times. “Unfortunately, we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings, especially those ordered by elected officials, and assure concerned citizens that they will be able to resume slayings sufficiently in time to reach their quotas by the end of the week.” At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago’s south side. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Pathetic Badgers decide to not show up – Minnesota wins axe for first time in 14 years WTF! We entered the season ranked fourth in the country, and were busy guaranteeing a playoff berth. After all, on paper this Badger team was supposed to be the greatest ever to wear the white and red. Finally, we felt ready to play with the likes of Clemson, Alabama, and Ohio State following a 13-1 campaign last year, which resulted in an Orange Bowl win. Well, how’d that all work out? We ended the regular season 7-5 after a disgusting 37-15 loss to Minnesota Saturday. Absolutely embarrassing. Can you believe we gave up 37 points to a Gophers team that entered the game with only five wins? This rivalry shouldn’t ever be within 40 points. Minnesota is the little cousin you beat up on at Christmas. We are thoroughly appalled. You know what the worst part was? ...The fact Wisconsin didn’t look like they gave a damn. They appeared broken; spiritually, emotionally and physically. Anyway, hats off to the Gophers. They deserved to win. Ski U Mah (pronounced “skroo yer ma”). What went wrong on Saturday? Let’s start with those issues which were not present throughout the season. Never attend a Badgers game on Senior Day when the game follows Thanksgiving. Most students are out of town and many season ticket-holders don’t make the trip. The senior introductions are emotional and the ceremony lets the air out of the stadium for even the most exuberant crowds. A totally flat team at kickoff has become the norm. Only last year was different because we were so much better and the Goophs were so much worse. This loss will resonate for some time in the form of Wisconsin’s traditional football & basketball recruiting pipeline from the state of Minnesota. We created a monster as Gopher players now have reason to buy into the Kool-Aid that PJ Fleck is brewing. Our best hope is the self-destructive tendencies that have haunted the Vikings & Gophers for decades. So, what went wrong with this season of high expectations? Here are a couple key points: 1. Graduations & Nick Nelson’s early departure on defense were too much to overcome. Word to the weary, considering the new 4-game redshirt rule, we should have been given a preview of what’s in store for next year. 2. Our offense was pretty bad last year, too, but last year’s defense was not around this year to repeatedly bail them out for turnovers and failed drives this year. Despite our strong running game, receiver separation and play action pass opportunities were not there—just like last year. Here are a couple more points (lean in): 3. Gaglionone. The FG miss against BYU was a killer. Over the years, we have regularly won non-conference games where we under-performed and deserved to lose. Last week’s miss after a promising opening drive set off a celebration on the Gopher sideline that surely reinforced whatever BS PJ Fleck was spewing in the locker room during his motivational speech. 4. Injuries. We couldn’t afford any on the DL or in the secondary. We were hit hard and had defenders running in circles during the second half of the season. Offensively, Coan filling in for Hornibrook during the Northwestern & Ped State games was abysmal. 5. Losing Cephus to #Metoo. His return was something that many of us really looked forward to. It’s not certain that he would have been repeatedly running down the sideline 5 yards behind defenders pulling in Hornibrook deep balls, but he would have been a big target 10-15 yards down the field along with Ferguson. 6. Stupid pre-snap OL penalties. Put Bostad back in charge of coaching the OL. This has been a problem for three years and has been most pronounced in the red zone. 7. Play calling. Whether the blame goes to Paul Chryst or Joe Rudolph, lack of creativity and the inability to break tendency was exceeded only by Mike McCarthy. The major points highlighted above are just a response to us having our highest hopes only a few months ago -- and it was the happiest we’d ever been entering a season; but now, all we have to look forward to is a crappy bowl game. Reports are that representatives of the Holiday Bowl were in attendance on Saturday. Whoop de friggin do! See ya in August! We’re Gonna Kick You’re A$$ – predictions for the upcoming game So you’re a fan displeased with the Packers this year (Click on Link)? Ye loyal readers of little faith, Coach has hope for you! We are currently 6th in a group of 6 teams vying for two Wild Card spots. There are a number of different simulators on-line for you to waste your time with (which Coach highly recommends that you do while being paid at work), but while you dazzle yourself with the magical-statistical models, keep in mind the following table: Indeed, we can make the playoffs in many, many scenarios, but most probably we need to run the table. The scary part? We actually still have a decent mathematical chance to make the No. 6 WC spot with a 4-1 record down the stretch. Scary. Needless to say, we need a lot of help, but the teams we are running against all have pretty tough remaining schedules. Coach's official odds? Certainly better than a Snowman surviving Easter Weekend in Green Bay…. …the Defense is playing well enough …the Special Teams are making mistakes, but survivable …the only real question? Will Rodgers stop pouting and lead this team. He certainly has the physical skills, if he can kiss and makeup with McCarthy we have a very, very good chance of going 5-0 to end the Regular Season. (What do you want me to say, huh? In this section I always predict good things and victories!) And don't forget, the Cardinals Still Suck! Ok, so it doesn’t have the same ring to it… ….but they are originally from Chicago!!! The Cardinals are very literally the oldest team in the NFL (look it up) and have been playing the Packers since November 20th of 1921, when we absolutely throttled them in a 3-3 Draw in Chicago. All-time we lead the series 45-24-4 and have been winning games by an average of 19 to 14. Recently, however, things haven’t been so friendly. In the McCarthy/Rogers era we have played five times, once at home and four times in the desert. Good thing we are playing at home this week, because we are 1-3 in AZ (2x in OT in the playoffs), losing by an average score of 27 to 31. The only recent game at Lambeau was in November of 2012 when we won 31-17. Weird how it’s been with the Cards, we suck on the road… So far in 2018 the Redbirds have two wins, both against the equally bad 49’ers (2-9 on the year). The odds makers have GB as a 14.5-point favorite (see also 2012) …but hold on… if you read the X&O’s above you will see that that statistically we don’t look so formidable. But Coach Doesn’t Care! In a miraculous healing by by St. Vince, AR has his rectal-cranial-inversion cured in a “you-wanna-se-me-throw-a-Tom-Brady-check-down-to-Aaron-Jones-miracle” game, we gonna win! ...AJ will have 19 touches for a total of a buck-50 and 1 TD ...Mudder Jamaal Williams will have 10 carries for 44 yards ...The D will have 2 INT’s and a fumble return for a TD ...And our savior, Jake Kumerow, will have a very Jeff-Janis-versus-Arizona-like 7 catches for 139 yards and 2 TDs. In a get-well game at home in the rain and snow…. GB 38 AZ 10 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Coach was hoping for an epic comeback at Minnesota, earning their first road win of the season. You know, just like in Week 10 of the 1985 season when, down by 10-points to the Vikings, a putrid Jim Zorn (yes, he played for the Packers, too) was replaced in the 4th quarter by the previously-benched Lynn Dickey (because he lost the desire to play football, or so he said the week prior). Well, the big Dick came in and rose to the occasion. It all started with an amazing pass-and-catch to this week’s hero, Phillip Epps. Epps made a tough reception at the 21-yard line on a go route and his momentum from stretching out beyond a Vikings defender caused him to nearly fall out of bounds, but he successfully hopped on one foot along the sidelines for the remaining 14-yards to score a touchdown. That was the 1st of 3 touchdowns the Packers scored in the last 5 minutes of the game, and the Packers won 27-17. Phi Epps was a TCU Horned Frog before being drafted by the Packers in 1982. At 5’-10” and 165-lbs soaking wet, he was also a World-Class sprinter. His personal best of 20.19 seconds in the 200 meters was the second fastest time in the world in 1982. Not too shabby. BTW, his close friend, Carl Lewis, set the world record. Epps played wide receiver for the Packers for 7 years before finishing out his NFL career in 1989 as a wide receiver for the Jets. After his playing days, the NFL retiree took the unusual and admirable step of enlisting in the Naval Reserve. Phillip Epps was stationed as a fighter pilot for 4 years on the S.S. Essess out of Port Mayport in Carolina Beach, North Carolina, before completing his military service with more administrative-type duties behind a desk in New York, New York. After an honorable discharge from the service, Phillip Epps moved back to Wisconsin, retiring in a quaint northern vacation town. So this week we salute you, Phil Epps, and welcome home! Now let’s go shoot down the Cardinals.
2 Comments
Jane Byrne
12/1/2018 10:53:34 am
Your Chicago privileges have been revoked!
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Common Sense
12/1/2018 02:27:25 pm
Thanks for the early Christmas present.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
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