Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! OK you stocking stuffers, are you wondering what to get that little lady this holiday season? Look no further – Coach has her covered (or should I say, uncovered?). Some say the Christmas sweater is too blasé, or not thoughtful enough, or even racist (can you believe how far that shit has gone?). Well I say THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER IS AN AMERICAN STAPLE – and I’m not gonna sit here, and listen to a bunch of not job liberals bad mouth the United States of America! Gentlemen, I proudly present to you, the 2018 Ladies Christmas Sweater parade: Now go buy a Christmas sweater for your special gal. That’s right, I SAID IT! (and a scissors). Merry effin Christmas, America! A-hem…ok, back to football. Create A Seam Here – X’ & O’s about the game or a scheme Yeah, we won, Regis Philbin is now undefeated as Packers Head Coach! Awright! Go Joe, go! The game started off very inauspiciously, however, when “Let me be Frank” Hermans effed-up the National Anthem in a Larry McCarren jersey. His rendition was a perfect metaphor for the Packers Season! When he forgot the lyrics he just sang lah lah lah lah in the middle of the song! (There was an audible boo during the National Anthem…) After the game he said, “…right at the point where I messed up, a woman fell and a man fell on top of her and I think players were kneeling, too, and there was a frisbee dog — kind of threw me off my game.” Simply amazing. He explained that he was filling in for someone who couldn’t make it and he thanked the Packers for the opportunity and said “I will prepare better next time if asked.” Yup, perfect metaphor for the Pack & Prez Murphy this year. Ok, much like making his morning ablutions, Coach has the Murphy tirade out of his system for this week. After that unsettling start, Falcons took the opening kickoff and marched right down the field for an opening drive TD. While the drive was a kick in the backside, Coach was really, really excited that Philbin challenged two very, very bad calls. He lost both and was out of challenges with 1:32 off the game clock, only missing the NFL record by a few seconds. Coach gives up on what constitutes a catch (again). If you watch the end of this, you’ll see Orange Julius slap his hands because he’s frustrated that he dropped the ball. The replay guys apparently felt they didn’t have enough to overturn the very crappy original call. A few plays later and this crew gave Jones another catch that was clearly OB. So who is this Crew? Walt Coleman’s is most recognized for the 2001 AFC Divisional Playoffs — the Tuck Rule Game — Coleman reversed what would likely have been a game-sealing fumble recovery by the Raiders to an incomplete pass by the Patriots, at the foundation of the New England dynasty. He has not officiated a Raiders game in the 245 games he has worked since. Replay was once again a factor on Thanksgiving Day 2012, when Lions coach Jim Schwartz threw the challenge flag. Running back Justin Forsett was clearly down by contact, but replay was frozen out under the rules of the time because of the improper challenge, even though Walt’s Crew blew the call. These clowns went on to make a truly amazing number of bad calls and no-calls. The facemask “no-call” on Rodgers was really, really amazing. Coach could easily see that from row 53, and I am not joking on that. A while later Coach was again amazed at a no-call. The scramble by Rodgers below ended in him clearly going into a slide. While we went down a bit late, it’s also clear that the defender did not try to pull up. Although the call was blown, Coach is very proud of the O-Line who immediately ran downfield and explained the rules of football to the Dirty Birds. Coach doesn’t want to go too overboard on this, but it’s fantastic to see the guys actually playing football. If/when we play with this kind of passion next week, look out Bears. Ok, some more AR criticism is warranted, despite the win. There were several moments during the game where it looked like AR forgot that Fat Mike was fired. Coach will let you in on a secret, Crosby and Rodgers have been playing rock-paper-scissors all year to see who would throw the game each week to get McCarthy bounced. At the end of the 1st Quarter, Rodgers just has to go for it all. He’s trying to go for the kill shot and slightly underthrows a 60+ yard ball to Jimmy Graham while never looking at the wide-open No. 17 and No. 19. To add insult to injury, the former all-pro number 80 is greedy as well and doesn’t come back to the ball. If he comes back maybe we’re at the 5, but he wants the TD, so he reaches instead of moving back. Dumbass. Rodgers came into the game with a league leading one interception and 53 throwaways (next closest is in the low 30’s), and a shot at throwing the most pass completions ever without an INT. Congratulations to Aaron Rodgers! He got the record, but like all records it came with a little help. Anyway, enough with the doom-and-gloom Coach, we won! You bet Bobby, we did win. But things started looking better in the 1st Quarter when Ryan fumbled the ball! Hey, a takeaway!! Hey, we got another takeaway! A Pick-6!! Things are really looking up! With all the penalties and stoppages in play, Walt Coleman and crew made sure the game didn’t go smoothly, but when we were up 34-07 in the 4th Quarter it sure felt good. Keys to this one: - Philbin kept the game plan simple (BTW, Philbin scored better on headcoachranking.com in his Week 1 than Fat Mike did all year. To be fair, a hard and dusty white dog turd probably would have scored better than McCarthy.) - The plays came in quickly, we got to the line and snapped the ball before “0” on the play clock. - Aaron Jones got 20 touches, a buncha yards and a TD. This is a formula we can win with my son, we can win with this. Fokda Bears. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Former Coach Lies In State PITTSBURGH, PA – Last Wednesday was a National Football League day of mourning for the 13th head coach of the Green Bay Packers as Michael John McCarthy’s career was laid to rest at his local library in Pittsburgh. McCarthy was fired a week ago Sunday when he lost his brave battle with gameday incompetence that started in Seattle late 2014, but metastasized more and more each year until it finally culminated in a frail 3-hour scuffle on the first Sunday of December 2018 against a misplaced Cardinals team in frigid Green Bay. His body was flown to his home town of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on Monday and was brought to City Hall where the former coach had lain in state in the Rotunda starting that night. Former coaches, NFL dignitaries and ordinary football fans paid their respects at a pep rally in McCarthy’s honor the following evening at the municipal senior center. Eulogies were later held at the University of Pittsburgh field house, where McCarthy once was a Tight Ends coach for the Panthers, before a large pickup truck hauled his massive body to the William Penn library overlooking the local Amish fields where farming families toil until their animals can no longer work amidst the stench of unbridled human body odor. In lieu of flowers, the family asked that monetary donations be sent to Packers season ticket holders – the real victims in all of this mess, for having to pay through the nose only to be forced to watch stupidity personified on the sidelines over the past four years. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Leaked Sex Tape Shows Buddhist Master Having Drug-Fueled Gay Orgy with Bears Fans at Hallas Hall CHICAGO–Videos of a Buddhist monk having drug-fueled gay sex parties at Hallas Hall have been leaked. Buddhist master Ree-le Hung, once an aspiring figure in the Far East’s religious world, is seen saying “do you want more” and “I love my Bears husband” in an incoherent manner in a tape clip released by local news outlets on Monday. While two other clips show the monk, reported to be 29 years old, taking drugs and having sex with different men wearing nothing but Bears helmets and turf cleats. Officers reportedly found 19 grams of amphetamine tablets in Hung's orange robe as well as Viagra and condoms. They also discovered that Hung had replaced the holy water in his travel bottle with anal lubricant. Bears owner Virginia Hallas-McCaskey claimed Friday to be “disappointed” to learn that visitors to Hallas Hall were engaging in drug use and gay sex with a Buddhist monk. Although this is the third such occurrence since the start of training camp, the team’s matriarch seemed to shrug off the headline-grabbing bombshell as no big deal and refused to comment if the perplexing drug-laden carnal free-for-all was sponsored on the down-low by her son and Bears Chairman of the Board, George H. McCaskey. Legendary Rock Band KISS Apologizes After Tour Bus Dumps Another 800 Pounds of Human Feces Onto Same Tour Boat CHICAGO – Expressing their sincere regret for repeating the 2004 incident, representatives from KISS apologized Wednesday after their tour bus accidentally dumped 800 pounds of human shit on the same architecture boat cruise that it did some 14 years ago. “On behalf of Gene, Paul, Peter and myself, I just want to say how sorry we all are for any emotional harm we might have caused the victims by once again unloading half a ton of our band’s excrement onto their cruise boat tour,” said lead guitarist Ace Frehley, noting that while band members knew they were playing with fire when they decided to unload their septic tank into the Chicago River, none had expected the exact same tour boat would be traveling beneath the Kinzie Street Bridge at the exact moment the foul-smelling torrent of feces hit the water. “Now, some might argue that, after a tour boat already got caught once in cascading slurry of fecal matter, these people would have been wiser to choose some different type of Chicago tour, like the Sears tower, or at least a different boat. That said, the blame falls squarely on us. We thought we learned from the unfortunate accident the last time it happened, but clearly we didn’t learn enough.” At press time, band icon Gene Simmons had purportedly offered to provide free lifetime concert tickets to the tour-boat captain if this somehow happened a third time. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Wisconsin's tailback Jonathan Taylor won the Doak Walker award this past week, which recognizes recipients as the best running back in college football. Taylor is the 4th Badger to win this award, behind Ron Dayne, Monte Ball, and Melvin Gordon III. We are so happy for him. We hope he comes back next year and that the QB does not suck so much. We also hope the defense is better. Go Badgers. Yummie Down On This! MADISON, WI—Claiming that the average person needs to just man the eff up and do it already, frat nutritionists attending the University of Wisconsin dared Americans on Wednesday to swallow more live minnows. “We’ve discovered that consuming two to three live minnows per weekend from any local bait shop significantly reduces the risk of being a complete gash,” said Sigma Chi rush chair and dietary researcher Brady Nielssen as he leaned against a large aquarium tank filled with wapatuli, adding that this was something everyone else had to do if they wanted in, so you should just quit acting like such a bitch and open your goddamn whiny mouth. “Live fish is rich in essential shut up and fricking do it, and an excellent source of walk your pussy ass over to Delta if you’re not going to swallow it, you wuss. In a longitudinal study of three previous pledge classes, 100 percent of freshman survived aside from some guy from Peoria, and anyway that was totally an accident, so seriously, just effin eat it already so we can buzz the strippers in.” At press time, Nielssen confirmed that those not swallowing live minnows when they were told to were several times more likely to suffer a major beatdown. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – Predictions for the upcoming game Let’s get the Playoffs discussion out of the way right now…the scary part? If we win out our odds go up to about 1 in 3 of making it into the Dance. But lose to the Bears and we have essentially the Cube Root (0) chance of making it. So forget about all of that, let’s focus on kicking ass in Chicago. This is the 198th meeting of Packers and the Bears, a series that started in 1920 in has only been interrupted by the Big One, WWII. The Packers lead the series (of course) 97-94-6 and have outscored the Bears 3,417 to 3,384 for an average score of 17.3 to 17.2. This one is going to be very tough, and plenty of pundits want to anoint the Bears king this year, but not Coach. The Bears Offense, led by Mit Türdbisquit, sucks, and our Defense has been rounding into form the last several games. Da Bears are going to try to run and pass to Tarik Cohen, but he will be down now that Hanukkah is over, and they are ranked 30th in giveaways at 2.3/gm over the last 3 games. We should have little trouble holding them to only a couple of scores. Both teams are very close in basically all Special Teams rankings and are identical at penalties per game at 5.7 over the last three games. This one is going to boil down to the Packers Offense vs. the Bears Defense; it’s going to rest on Regis & Rogers vs. Fangio & Mack. The Packers are actually tied for 2nd overall in giveaways with only one over the last three games and the Bears have been living on turnovers, so continuing ball security is going to be critical. Besides, I think we’ve already cut everyone who has fumbled (except Rodgers, of course). If there is one match-up to watch, it’s the Right Side of the Packer’s O-Line vs. the Left Side of the Bears Front-7. The focus will be on All-Pros Akeem Hicks and Kahlil Mack vs. So-So-Pros Justin McCray and Jason Spriggs. A Division game, late in the Season, with big stakes on the line for both teams who really hate each other? It should be an absolute slug fest and a low scoring game. Big games like this one always seem to turn on just a couple of key plays during the game. A turnover, a blocked kick, a TD return. Oh yeah, babeee! Coach harkens back in the memory banks to September 7th, 1980 for forecasting this Sunday’s Tilt in the Confines of Chicago Park Service’s Toilet-Bowl-Shaped-Space-Ship-Looking-Stadium-With-Shitty-Turf. Suffice to say that Mason “Chester Marcol” Crosby will channel his inner Polish-Prince, and will score the winning points on the TD-advance of a blocked FG, late in the 4th Qtr. Effin-A, boys, effin-A. Pack 12 Bears 6 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them You might have heard that Titans running back, Derrick Henry, ran the ball 99-yards for a touchdown on a play against the Jaguars last week, tying the all-time record set by Tony Dorsett for the longest run from scrimmage. That got Coach thinking… wasn’t the longest pass play also 99-yards? Why yes, Coach, it was! Oh, thanks, Coach! You’re welcome, Coach. Who caught that ball? None other than this week’s hero, Robert Brooks, in 1995 against the Chicago Bears, on a 3rd-and-10 at the 1-yard line, from Brett Favre. By the way, that same year was the Jaguars 1st season in the NFL, and the Tennessee Titans were the Houston Oilers. Robert Brooks was selected by Ron Wolf in the 3rd Round of the 1992 draft out of the University of South Carolina (same school as Sterling Sharpe, who was born in Chicago – which explains why he was such a dick). Brooks led the NFL in kickoff returns in 1993 with a 26.6-yard average. He came into his own in 1995 following a career-ending injury to Sharpe, who was ironically forced to resort to taking a job in the media, even though he despised and mocked sports reporters in Green Bay (he was a major @$$hole, and karma is a bitch). Unfortunately, Brooks suffered a torn ACL in week 7 of the 1996 season against the San Francisco 49ers, missed the remainder of the season, and was unable to play in Super Bowl XXXI against New England. He vowed to return the next season, and in 1997 he won the NFL Comeback Player of the Year award on the way to Super Bowl XXXII (Coach forgets what happened in that game). Brooks later developed back problems due to the knee injury, as he was forced to change his running mechanics, and ultimately had to retire from the NFL too soon. But that didn’t stop Robert Brooks from launching a successful career outside of football … oh, no! Robert (or “Bob” as he was known back home) Brooks moved back to South Carolina and partnered up with some childhood friends who were investing in the Hooters Bar & Breastaurant franchises. He expanded Hooters operations and branched out into other merchandising venues, including clothing, calendars, and even an airline! Yes, Robert “Bob” Brooks was the founder of Hooters Air (Click On Link), with Hooters girls on every flight. Freaking genius. The airline was wildly popular. The pilots purportedly loved it as much as the passengers. And by making Myrtle Beach, SC the main hub for Hooters Air, Bob Brooks turned that quaint, rarely visited coastal town into the wealthy, major tourist attraction that it remains today.
Although most of the fifteen destination cities were profitable, the heavily taxed routes from Myrtle Beach to Chicago proved financially burdensome for the upstart airline and it only lasted for 3 years (fricken FIB’s ruin everything!). So, in summary, Chicago and the Bears suck, Robert Brooks was a great Packers receiver, and Hooters chicks are awesome. Huh … I guess you already knew all that. Oh well, we salute you, Robert Brooks! …and now, howzabout we bookend this week's Show!!! with some HOOTERS CHICKS?!!!! (You’re welcome.)
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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