Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: Bears fans have finally eaten their slice of humble pie... Bears fans sitting near Coach at Lambeau Field on Sunday night seemed, well, almost … human! Sure, they tossed out a couple reserved taunts early when the Bears went up 10-0, but that’s to be expected of any fan cheering on his underdog team in a hostile environment. But something was noticeably different this game… They didn’t make any outlandish statements like “Now we own you!” No, they were much more quiet and subdued – keen to bite their lips, believing what we all knew already – that the Bears would likely lose convincingly at the final gun. Coach also noticed Bears fans, for the first time, did not cheer lustily when a Packers player got injured. A nice improvement! They didn’t suggest Rodgers get immunized when he was slow to stand up after a sack, and they didn’t crow when Billy Turner left the game. If they weren’t wearing Bears apparel, I wouldn’t have even known they were Bears fans at all. I imagine the few smart people in Chicagoland turned their TV’s off at halftime – content to go to bed with a blissful smile on their face, ignorant of what the final score would actually be or how their loss would play out. Those who gutted it out pretty much got what the whole world honestly expected: a blowout of the Bears at the hands of the Green Bay Packers on national television. I only wish the Bears fans in the stands didn’t chant “Fire Nagy” so loudly in the 2nd half. That really hurt the chances of the guy trying to impress Matt LaFleur for the open 2022 Packers Special Teams Coordinator job … at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme It would be awesome if Coach could brag on Rasul Douglas’ back-to-back games with Pick 6’s, but I can’t. It would be fun to remind you that Rodgers still owns the Bears, and Robert Quinn again mocked the discount double-check at his own demise, but that would be remiss. Nope, instead Coach has to talk about the TJ Rubley of LaFleur’s 3 football phases, Special Teams. Admit it, you’ve asked yourself “Is this the worst Special Teams display the Packers have had in a single game … ever … over 100+ years?” Then you probably fell back on the 2014 NFC Championship game in Seattle, when Ha-Ha gave up a not-so-funny fake field goal touchdown, and Brandon Bostick batted the ball away from Jordy Nelson to lose the onside kick (and the game), which certainly was a larger stakes Special Teams debacle compared to a regular season game against the lowly Bears. But, impact at this point in time aside, the Packers Special Teams is an embarrassment to professional football. Note: this is NOT the opinion part of The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! (that’s above), this is the factual, non-fiction, call-it-as-it-really-is portion of the show. Not only was it disgraceful for the NFL, it was a shame on everyone involved in any capacity with the Special Teams displayed on Sunday by the Packers. Shame on Brian Gutekunst for not providing a returner. Malik Taylor is not a returner. Amari Rogers is not a returner. On the Packers 53-man roster plus 16-man practice squad, they do not have a player who can return kicks or punts. And “really liking” Kylin Hill doesn’t help (hint: he is not a returner either, so keep looking next year). Shame on Matt LaFleur for ignoring his responsibility to prepare Special Teams for championship level play. As head coach, you are responsible for all 3 phases of the game. Even if you really like calling plays on Offense, your primary responsibility is the performance of the entire team. Special Teams did not have a bad week, they’ve had a dozen. Playing his own words back to him, “If you’re not getting better, you’re getting worse.” I wish Special Teams was as good as “not getting better” – 14 weeks into the season our Special Teams could not be any worse. REALLY – IT’S NOT POSSIBLE TO BE ANY WORSE:
Shame on Mo Drayton for lacking the guts to resign after the game. He is not qualified to coach Special Teams, much less coordinate them. Recall that Maurice was an assistant to the guy who got fired for incompetence last year (Shawn Menenga). By all previous accords, Drayton otherwise appears to be a stand-up guy ... So was Mahatma Ghandi, but I don’t want him coordinating our Special Teams either. And don’t give me that “we’ve got injuries” crap … every team has injuries. No other team looks this bad on Special Teams (and I am including junior high school teams here), even though technically we rank 30th in the NFL (Jets and Chargers rank lower in the obviously flawed ESPN Football Power Index). We just came off a bye week fer da cruy-yuy-eye, and had 2-weeks to self-scout; still, Special Teams got WORSE. MUCH WORSE. What the hell is Mo Drayton thinking? Case in point: MVS. Now, most of us generally like and root for Marquez, but putting the notorious concentration-lacking dropsie machine on the “good hands” crew is something I’m sure none of us would have done. …and we’re not even professional football coaches (except me, of course). Any competent coordinator would have corrected previous, and predictable, mistakes – not exacerbated them. Also, with the Malik muff out of bounds example earlier, that was the perfect opportunity to "coach" the outside guys on the kick return team to just bat the ball out of bounds! You don't need to catch it there! DUH. It's almost like our Special Teams players no nothing about Special Teams football, and that definitely falls on their coordinator. No matter how good the Offense plays, no matter how good the Defense plays, the Special Teams alone can lose a game. Sure the Defense gave up a couple big plays, but they also generated 14-points via a pick-6 and a sack turnover on a short field which led to a touchdown on the following play. Plus they had another turnover to boot. Our Special Teams kept the Bears in this game and gave them an opportunity to win late -- and when that's the Buccaneers on the other side, or the Cardinals, or the Cowboys, or the Rams, or any other team that is actually competent enough to be in the playoffs, it is unlikely the Packers can overcome their Special Teams liabilities. Coach was right about Capers, and Thompson, and McCarthy, and Menenga ... and it took at least 1 year too many to get rid of each one of those guys. Don't make that mistake again -- this could be our last chance to win the Super Bowl for quite some time. Fire Drayton. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching FOXBOROUGH, MA—Slamming the rookie’s success as a fluke of organizational competence, critics claimed Tuesday that Patriots quarterback Mac Jones was just the product of being a talented player in a system with elite defense and coaching. “People are acting like Mac [Jones] is the next great franchise QB, but he’s only doing this well because he has a complete skill set and he’s surrounded by talent and coaches who know what they can expect from their players,” said Bills fan Derrick DiMaio, who claimed that Aaron Rodgers or Patrick Mahomes could be just as successful in a setup like Mac Jones has. “You take away his accuracy, his decision making, and the Patriots’ proficiency at developing players, and he wouldn’t be anything special. Just look at what having to deal with no supporting cast and a directionless, identity-less organization has done to Trevor Lawrence. That’s what Mac Jones would be like if he wasn’t being properly utilized and well-guided. It’s all luck.” At press time, Jets, Lions, Browns, Jaguars, Giants, and Bears fans were all wishing their teams could get as lucky as the Patriots seem to be with their draft picks over and over again each year. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears Offensive Lineman Confused By Complicated Scheme Requiring Him To Make Block CHICAGO—Telling reporters that he had never seen a play drawn up like that before, Chicago Bears center Cody Whitehair admitted his confusion Sunday over a complicated scheme that required him to make a block. “I thought I understood what I was supposed to do on the play until the offensive coordinator drew this weird thing where he wanted me to block one of the pass rushers,” said Whitehair, adding that he asked his fellow linemen, including veteran Jason Peters, what the cryptic play call might mean, but no one could figure out why they would be expected to block all of a sudden. “I’m 29 years old, and in my whole career as an offensive lineman I’ve never once encountered a complicated play like this requiring me to block. I’ve also got a lot on my plate already as it is, since every play I already hike the ball to the quarterback, and after that I always hold my hand out to help him up from the ground once the play’s whistled dead. What about spreading my arms out and looking around as the other players rush past me? When am I supposed to do that? That’s the way I’m used to playing.” Whitehair reportedly wasn’t the only Bear having trouble deciphering the team’s play calls, as quarterback Justin Field told sources he was confused why the vast majority of the team’s offensive plays required him to scramble around in the backfield not seeing open receivers for a little while before getting sacked. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Badger Underground Holiday Edition Just like the Badgers, the holiday elves colors are red and white. Enjoy the ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game The Colts? Yes, the Colts play a huuge role in this week’s game. OK kids, hang with Coach for a quick minute. Irsay assumed ownership of the Baltimore Colts in 1972 after acquiring the Los Angeles Rams and swapping franchises with Carroll Rosenbloom, all made official on the same day. A forerunner to Jerry Jones, Irsay's first controversial act with the Colts was his firing of head coach Howard Schnellenberger after he opened the season 0-3 and replacing him with general manager Joe Thomas. Middle linebacker Mike Curtis voiced the players' displeasure by saying, "In defense of Irsay, he's a nice guy, an emotional guy, but he doesn't know a lot about football.” Yup, Jerry Jones, Sr. With negotiations over revenue enhancing improvements to Baltimore’s Memorial Stadium at an impasse, one of the chambers of the Maryland state legislature passed a law on March 27, 1984, allowing the city of Baltimore to seize the Colts under eminent domain. The next day, fearing a dawn raid on the team's headquarters, Irsay accepted a deal offered by the city of Indianapolis. The Mayor of Indianapolis arranged for Mayflower to pack-up the team's property and transport it to Indianapolis in the early hours of the morning of March 29 where they were greeted by an ecstatic crowd. Step 1 Irsay’s move of the Colts to Indy What to do? Baltimore was without a National Football League team until another controversial move in 1996. Step 2, The Move, Browns to Baltimore Known in Cleveland as "The Move", on November 6, 1995, Cleveland Browns Owner, Art Modell, announced his intention to move the team to Baltimore, citing the inadequacy of Cleveland Stadium and the lack of a sufficient replacement along with his heavy debt. Subsequent legal action by the city of Cleveland and Browns season ticket holders led the NFL to broker a compromise that saw the Browns franchise, history, records, and intellectual property remain in Cleveland. In return, Modell was permitted to establish a new franchise in Baltimore, which was eventually named the Ravens. The Browns franchise was officially deactivated by the NFL in February 1996 and Modell was allowed to transfer its football organization to the Ravens. The Ravens are officially regarded by the NFL as an expansion team that began play in 1996. Ironically, Baltimore had to build a stadium that Irsay wanted for the Colts so they could attract the Browns/Ravens. So being nice can pay off, or in Irsay’s case, being an asshole usually doesn’t get stuff from politicians and taxpayers… The team name "Ravens" was picked in a fan contest a name that alludes to the famous poem, The Raven, by Edgar Allan Poe, who spent the early part of his career in Baltimore, and is also buried there. “Happiness is not to be found in knowledge, but in the acquisition of knowledge.” - Edgar Allan Poe Now you know why you enjoy The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! Step 3 … Colts to Cleveland? Immediately after the “Old Browns” left Ohio a group was lobbying to get an NFL team for Cleveland. In a mind-boggling series of events, before the “New Browns” were born, Irsay was pressuring Indianapolis for a new stadium and even threatened moving to Cleveland from Indy. Had it happened the Browns and Colts would have simply switched cities over a 15-year period. Obviously, that didn’t happen and next week’s opponent, the “New Browns” were established in 1999. History Lesson Completed … So this week’s opponent is the Baltimore Browns, er, uh, Ravens. We don’t have much history with them, but we are 4-2-0 in our 6 games against them. In a bizarre twist, our average score has them winning 22.5 to 18.0! This year they are behind us by almost 2 pts/gm on Offense and by a point on Defense. Throw in Home Field advantage for the Ravens and we have about a point advantage, which is where the betting line opened this week (-2). During the course of this week it became clear that Lamar Jackson would be severely hobbled if he can play at all this Sunday. The revised betting line moved to Packers by 7. Why will we win? Simple math … 12 is greater than 8. With Kenny Clark out on a COVID vacation, we might struggle a bit on Defense, but we have a much better team and the Ravens actually have a worse injury record this year. Never-the-less … Jackson is just not in Rodgers’ league. And if that isn’t scary enough for the Ravens, ponder this… Packers: 28 Ravens: 24 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Before Aaron Jones was drafted by the Packers in the 5th round in 2017, another UT El Paso player was drafted by the Packers, Chris Jacke. Taken in the 6th round of the 1989 draft, Chris was not much of a sombrero wearer, but he is a Packers Hall of Famer and the 4th leading all-time scorer behind Mason Crosby, Ryan Shortwell, and the great Don Hutson. He was also known as a bit of a ladies man around Green Bay and Fox Cities haunts, but I digress...
While Chris was a gregarious, outgoing sort, he was still just a kicker, and kickers as we know tend to be outcasts on any football team -- and the 1996 Packers were no exception. After his infamous shagging of the coach’s daughter, and shanking game-deciding field goal attempts in the 13-10 OT loss to the Queens and the 34-31 loss to the Lions, Chris earned an extended stay in the proverbial doghouse. Young backup QB’s and kickers tend to band together. The lonely kicker queried his bud Mark Brunell for any ideas on how to quickly gain street cred with the power guys on the team. In this pre-Jeffrey Epstein era, the ticket was any combination of bow hunting, rural bars with pool tables and young girls. As a much-needed bye week coincided with the November whitetail bow hunting rut, Chris arranged a pre-CWD Counties getaway through friend and wealthy single landowner Peter Tork. The next thing you know, Chris, Brent Ferve, Frankie Winters, and Mark Chmura were careening down Highway 41 in a 1977 collector’s edition blue VW microbus with several cases of Old Style and bottles of booze on board. Brett was called upon to talk their way out of a 4 mph-over-the limit speeding ticket in Rosendale as aluminum empties rolled out of the sliding door of the bus and clinked on the pavement at the heels of officer Fife. Thirty minutes later on Hwy 23 as they reached the gates of Montello, the guys noticed a bustling gentlemen’s club “The Foxtail.” The evening went swimmingly and each of the guys hit it off with the local help. As bar time approached, there was unanimous agreement that the party should carry on at the lodge that Chris booked. One of the performers inquired ‘where are we going?’ Chris provided directions to the Mason Lake Lodge and indicated that Mike the bartender would be agreeable to keeping the bar open after hours. The performer replied ‘that’s a gay bar! We’re not hanging with you queers! We’re out! No wonder you guys lost to the likes of Detroit and Minnesota.’ Brett, Mark & Frankie pondered the idea of driving back to Green Bay and letting Chris find his own way home. After careful consideration, they opted not to bail as they had a day of peak-rut bow hunting ahead of them. Following an 8am wake-up, Brett was upset that they should have been in their tree stands at least two hours earlier, missing prime time big buck bow hunting. They hastily boarded the VW microbus and sped off to the woods. Approaching the Tork woods, a flock of chickens sprinted across the road in front of the speeding blue bus. A swath was cut through the flock, with the rearview mirrors reflecting white feathers swirling in the bus’s contrail. Chris felt compelled to stop at the farmhouse and apologize to the gap-toothed wife of the owner. Some of the chickens survived, but were fluttering in circles on the lawn with symptoms resembling those of a broken neck. Chris apologized profusely to the farmer’s wife and asked if there was anything he could do. The lady responded ‘ring their necks! It’ll have to be chicken soup for dinner tonight!’ With prime hunting time being of the essence and ticking away, Chris began snapping necks and the bus resumed it’s journey to the woods. Upon arriving at the woods, Chris shared bottles of “Buck Suicide” with his teammates. “I read about this stuff in Field & Stream. It works! Just put some on your boots and camo.” Frankie noted that it smelled like urine, but that the previous night’s excesses could have compromised his senses. Twenty minutes into the hunt, Chris’ heart was racing as a spike buck followed a doe under his tree stand. Feeling compelled to impress his teammates, Chris nocked an arrow and felled the spike buck (eventually) with multiple arrows to the stomach. While dragging the deer back across the neighbor’s property line, Chris was confronted by the angry landowner (Geoff Liniment) for not requesting permission to enter his property. As he swallowed his pride and resumed the deer drag, Chris pushed a 7-point buck in Brett’s direction. Brett dropped the deer (eventually) with an arrow up the hind quarters (a.k.a. “Texas heart shot”). After a brief ‘congratulations’ to Brett on the good shooting, Chris offered to drag the deer to the road, tie both to the blue bus and drive them to the local Bar & Grill / registration station in the nearby town. That way, Brett could keep hunting as the group had two tags to fill. Upon walking to the Tork farmhouse, Chris was attacked repeatedly by an exotic looking yellow-headed pheasant pecking at his leg. Having gained valuable experience earlier that day, Chris proceeded to ring the pheasant’s neck and avoid disrupting the hunt. A hundred yards later, Chris was greeted at the farmhouse by Peter Tork. They exchanged pleasantries and Peter asked if Chris had seen his pet pheasant with the yellow head. “She’s a real beauty. I raised her from being a chick after driving to South Dakota to get her.” Chris carefully tied Brett’s buck to the VW bus’s rear bumper and his smaller buck to the spare wheel on the front with clothesline rope. As Chris drove off, Peter suggested that the deer might not be tied on securely enough. Chris assured Peter that neither deer was going anywhere. While driving to the registration tavern, other vehicles were flashing their headlights at Chris. He gave them the thumbs up and a smile repeatedly crossed his face over how appreciative the Wisconsin locals were of successful deer hunters, let alone how impressed they must have been at the two bucks. Upon parking at the bar, the locals with angry looks on their faces appeared far less impressed. Exiting the bus, Chris was shocked to see that Brett’s 7-point buck had fallen off the bumper and had been dragged by rope for several miles. It was two parts road rash, three parts deer with fur intact, and one-part mangled antlers. A few days later, Chris invited Brett, Mark and Frankie to a deer butchering party at the recently purchased house he shared with his future former wife Tracey. New neighbor Scott offered to help out with butchering and set up the back patio firepit for cooking the tenderloins while putting down a few beers. Scott, Chris & Tracey decided to get a head start, downing several beers while waiting for Brett, Mark & Frankie to arrive. The wait lasted a couple more hours and several more rounds of drinks. Chris thought it would be a good time to set off a half stick of dynamite left over from his buddy’s bachelor party in Ensenada. Unfortunately, the dynamite blast knocked several rows of siding off of Scotts house. Brett, Mark & Frankie never arrived. Chris & Scott butchered the deer themselves. When finished, Scott asked what should be done with carcasses? After weighing multiple options, including dumping them off at the closest McDonald’s dumpster under the cover of darkness, Chris concluded it would be most efficient to drag them across the street and stash them in a ditch of the wooded State Park. Nobody would find them. It was getting late and bye week downtime ended the next morning. Chris needed to kick straight and earn back the trust of coach Holmgren. The Packers eventually went on to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, but Chris’s relationship with Mike Holmgren was broken. Chris felt snubbed after he wasn’t invited to the White House with the team to meet President Clinton, a fellow admirer of, well, let's just say "younger" women. The following spring, Ron Wolf low-balled his contract offer and reached to draft Penn State kicker Brett Conway to replace Jacke. Conway was a bust and was replaced by Ryan Longwell. Chris bounced like a Bears triple-doink from the Steelers and Redskins to the Arizona Cardinals for the 1998 & 1999 seasons, but never sold his Wisconsin residence until after Y2K... In the Spring of 2000 officer Fife was promoted from his Rosendale beat to the Brown County sheriff’s department, his first case was a complaint of skeletal deer remains being found in the State Park ditch -- with ear tags registered to a "Christopher Jacke." Officer Fife was greeted at the Jacke residence by wife Tracey, who subsequently filed for divorce. She was jailed after police were called to break up a fight between the two. According to Capt. Gary Van Den Heuvel, "She confronted him at a downtown bar. He claimed she slapped him in the face and also that she ripped his shirt.” No one has heard from Chris since. So, if you know of Chris’ whereabouts… uh, well – I guess nobody really cares, just keep it to yourself.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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