Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: …the internet isn’t good enough. So Coach gets back from the Sunday night shenanigans on Holmgren Way after bar time and thinks to himself, “I shood watchda replay uv da TV broadcast ta see if dey menchin’d alda tings dat I seen on da feeld dat da refs didint.” (Yes, my mind bubble still has a Trivers accent). I’m not saying we didn’t miss a tackle or two (yeah, I’m calling you out Darnell and De’Vondre), but I did see a whole lot of wholding by the Bears that didn’t get called hwen the bad guys ran the ball. Cool Hwip. So why not check out YooceTube to see how Melissa looked – I mean hear what Colinsworth said – during the game? For free, all I could find was lame-ass Larrivee radio calls on NFL.com, voiced over a few scoring plays. WTF? This is the INTERNET! The place a guy (or gal) is supposed to be able to see and hear anything they want for free. Ain’t no way I’m paying for post-game replays … not as long as there is an internet. The following day, an exhaustive search resulted in merely the audio from SNF on NBC, with a distorted picture that was for the most part zoomed in to a spot on the field where the action of interest was not visible. Somebody has to trot the entire game replay out for all to see. Like they do for games played years ago … it’s all out there on YouTube, why wait? The NFL can still do their full-game and 60-minute compressed replays during the week, but I shouldn’t have to wait for watching the game on tv just because I went to see it in person. If I can’t scrub the internet to find decent bootlegged copies of Mike Tirico kissing Collinsworth’s ass a he complements Chris’ midweek interviewing skills, whilst the sideline camera man “accidently” does a closeup of Melissa Stark’s cameltoe en route to Quay Walker tying his shoe, then China has clearly taken over internet content in America and somebody needs to do something about that shit … at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Last year Matt LeFleur became the first Packers Coach to win his first 6 games in a row against the Bears … and now he is the first Packers Coach to win his first 7 in a row … and we are now tied with the Staleys at 783 wins all time (remember they have played 29 more games than the Pack). More importantly now we have 104 wins all-time against the Staleys and have continued our steady progression in wins! During the Rodgers era we are 25-5 and have averaged a 10-point win. … How, you say? Why, you say? McMahon said: “I think {Chicago is} where quarterbacks go to die.” Or maybe they just don’t know how to select QB’s? The latest “Savior of the Franchise”, Julius Field, demonstrates deiner Fußball Wissen (not that hard to guess the translation Jimmy). You probably have some idea how bad Justin Fields was in Sunday night’s game between the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers. His first of 7 completions during the game was a flea flicker to Equanimeous St. Brown that gained 30 yards. His next 6 completions gained a total of 40 yards and he was sacked 3 times for 22 yards. He threw an interception, and he threw the ball while 4 yards beyond the line of scrimmage at one point. He fumbled. He was super bad when called on to pass. And yet you still don’t know just how bad he was. This is pretty much the summary of the game … we beat somebody we were supposed to beat and are now 25-5 against the Arlington Heights Staleys. We kicked their ass on every level … but this is a Team we were supposed to beat handily. So, what did the game tell us? Who the hell really knows, but it beats the crap out of losing to a crummy team. Notes: (1) It drives coach to distraction that anything “Official” in the NFL does not include Playoff Games. In the “Official Stats”, Erin is 24-5 against the Bears. (2) Why is that you ask? It’s because the MF’ers don’t include the 2010 NFC Championship at Soldier Field. While Coach & Coach might have had seats so far up in the Spaceship that you could see downtown Kenosha if you turned slightly left, it was still a great time and it damn sure looked like a real game. Coach & Coach will never forget the Chicago Park District Official Concession Stand … which was a homeless guy selling Amstel Light out of a soggy 24-can case in the Men’s Room (while Coach may stretch the point from time-to-time, this is absolutely a true story, thank goodness the guy was there or Coaches’ BAC might have fallen below 0.20). Sorry, Coach digresses, the real point is that FB Quinn Johnson’s dad was the doorman at the hotel and “Will’s Northwoods Inn” in Lincoln Park had three different versions of the “Bears still suck” on the juke box, which completely confused the dejected Bears fans who wandered in off the street … with no foreknowledge that Will’s is a great Packer’s bar in the heart of the Lincoln Park neighborhood. (3) At this point No. 1 was so long that nobody really cares about No. 2, except when it comes to squeezing out a McCaskey Family business plan. Does anyone think that the Staleys are really moving to Arlington Heights? They have fancy architectural renderings of a new stadium complex and options on real estate out at ye olde horsey racetrack. But … they don’t own the property nor do the McCaskey’s have the cash to complete the real estate transaction, let alone pay for a Modern NFL Stadium. Here’s betting it’s a ploy to get the City to build a new stadium, with an accompanying pickle ball court, so that the Staleys will stay in Chicago. Coach truly wishes he could bless you with a heartfelt apology for the interstitial notes above … but Coach doesn’t care enough for that … …OK, back to the game. We blew them out as expected and as the drive chart above demonstrates, just a handful of plays determined the outcome. It could have been a much bigger blowout … or it could have been closer. Two Packers offensive miscues prevented a true blowout: Rodgers botched a handoff, shown further below, and center Josh Myers early shotgun snap that hit motion man Christian Watson on the way by. The turnover and lost yardage ruined two drives and gave the Bears a chance. Yeah, it’s always great to beat the Staleys … but it’s more important to focus on the mistakes … the things that have kept us from winning NFL Championships #14 thru #16 during the Rodgers era. The challenge areas? Run Defense – hate to keep picking on the guy, but Jarrod Reed is just a liability in the run game. Keep your eyes on #90 above and below. Jarrod Reed is the free agent DT we signed during the off-season to provide “veteran depth and leadership” in the D-Line. He’s lined up just inside (above) Preston Smith in the clip above and he is pushed out of the hole like a little girl. So far he’s done OK in pass rush, but mainly has provided big holes and poor tackling in the run D. Not buying in yet? Look at 90 again below... Let’s look at Jarrod again … the still shot above is from the clip below. Jarrod lines up as the right DT and properly moves down the line to his left toward the hole. And just when he’s in position to make the tackle he reaches and tries to arm tackle Bears RB David Montgomery. 9 yards later Quay Walker does his best Blake Martinez imitation and has Montgomery on the ground. If there was one alarming thing from Sunday night, it was our hideous run defense. David Montgomery rushed for 122 yards and Khalil Herbert added 38 more as Chicago ran for 180 yards on a 6.7-yard clip. Last season, the Packers ranked 30th with 4.70 yards allowed per carry. In response, Gutey signed veteran defensive tackle Jarrod Reed and drafted linebacker Quay Walker in the first round. The Walker selection should have been a game-changer. The Packers have played almost every defensive snap with De’Vondre Campbell and Walker at inside linebacker rather than Campbell and a sixth defensive back. Bigger personnel – and better personnel – should mean better run defense. That hasn’t been the case, though. Green Bay is an awful 29th with 5.56 yards allowed per carry. They’ve allowed 10 carries of 10-plus yards; only Carolina (11) has allowed more. According to SportRadar, the Packers’ missed-tackle percentage of 12.8 percent is the third-worst in the NFL. Our 16 missed tackles are the fourth-most in the League. Last season, by contrast, the Packers missed only 87 tackles (second-fewest) and had a missed-tackle rate of 8.7 percent (eighth-best). The Buccaneers fielded the most pass-happy offense in the league last season but are one of the most run-centric attacks this season. Expect a heavy dose of Leonard Fournette. Do we have the ability or desire to stop him? And how were Special Teams you ask? Much, much improved. Amari Rodgers? No so much. When asked about Amaroni’s role on the team, Erin Rodgers characterized him as “returning for us right now”. Well, if “returning” is his role, then the attempted return above looks like his resignation letter. Amaroni is indeed doing better than last year, but if he continues to put the ball on the carpet he will be gone. Not to be left out of the bumbling, stumbling review for the Pack … Erin turns the wrong way out of the snap and causes a fumbled hand-off with AJ Dillion. LaFleur of course blamed himself for the fumble because it’s in his contract to never even hint in public that Rodgers might make a mistake. In a little bit of fun “blast from the past trivia”, former Packer Mike Pennel recovered the fumble. Pennel has bounced around the NFL, hell, he’s even bounced around with the Bears. He was cut and resigned during the week before the game. We salute you Mike for your persistence in the face of limited talent. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Aaron Rodgers Downplays Rocky Start To Season As Normal Ups And Downs Of Massive Global Conspiracy GREEN BAY, WI—Downplaying his team’s underwhelming win over the hapless Bears on national TV following their 23-7 Week 1 loss to the Minnesota Vikings the previous Sunday, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Tuesday that the rough start to the season was just part of the normal ups and downs of a massive global conspiracy. “Look, I threw a couple balls in the dirt at home this week and things didn’t break our way last Sunday, but that’s the reality when you’re living in the inescapable grasp of a shadowy cabal of entrenched elites who decide everything before it happens and control our movements,” said Rodgers, who attributed his own lackluster performance to the regular difficulties of getting adjusted to a new season in a world where a surveillance system run by malevolent rogue actors is constantly working to interfere with your psychological grip on reality and leave you unable to process anything but fear. “We weren’t really able to establish a consistent passing game against the Bears or the Vikings defenses, or the global military-industrial complex, so credit to all of those entities for bringing the pressure. We just have to focus on what we can control, which is basically nothing in light of the massive hegemonic system that is ultimately judge, jury, and executioner to us all, and get those wrinkles ironed out before week three. Do I expect us to execute the passing game to be better this Sunday? Yes. Do I think our defense has been infiltrated by lizard people who are in thrall to the deep state and potential double agents of the Detroit Lions? Also yes. But ultimately you’ve just got to take it one game at a time.” Rodgers added that he hoped for a more positive result in this weekend’s game against the Bucs, but understood that a lot of dominoes had to fall for the global conspiracy to exercise its agenda in favor of the Packers, and the receiving corps also needed time to develop into a cohesive unit. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof QB Rethinks Life Choices After Starting Season 2 With Bears CHICAGO—In the wake of taking consecutive severe beatings at the hands of San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers defensive rushers in the first 2 weeks of the 2022 NFL season, Bears QB Jarred Field admitted to reporters Wednesday that he was seriously rethinking his life choices. “There’s no clearer sign that you’ve completely hit rock bottom than realizing you’re on the turf looking up at Lucas Patrick wearing a Bears jersey and extending his hand to help you up,” said a visibly distraught Field, adding that he hoped being on the Chicago Bears roster provided the wake-up call he needed to finally turn his life around. “I went through some pretty real times when things got seriously bad, and I just ignored it and kept going. But then one day, it hit me: I’m in the Chicago Bears’ locker room, and I have no one to blame but myself. In some ways, I’m grateful to end up here—it’s like the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe you just have to find yourself in my position, realizing that everything you’ve done in life has led you to quarterbacking the Bears, to understand how bad things have truly gotten. I only hope there’s still time to get back on track, and maybe, if I work hard enough, I can end up in the AFC West someday.” At press time, Field had reportedly gone on an angry drug-fueled binge after someone offered him a look at the rest of the Bears’ roster. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Does 318 Pushups The rescheduled annual “Spring Game” that fans have been cheated out of for the last seven seasons provided several feelgood moments on Saturday. The fact that the Badgers had their way with an outmanned Mountain Worst team that has had 1 winning season in the past 20 does not tell us much about how they will do next week in Columbus against the Buckeyes. The fluffing of stat lines is now complete. Thank you, Paul Chryst, for devoting so many snaps to the passing game. No regrets seeing Mertz taking snaps with Bucky up 52-0. The backup QB looked good, so good that Chase Wolf has entered the transfer portal and will be starting next week for Notre Dame. It appears Vito Calvaruso's injury resulted from his own teammates breaking his kneecaps postgame last week. The all-red unis donned by Bucky on Saturday looked cool. One of the reasons to avoid red pants on the road (other than special occasions) was to not look like Nebraska. Since Nebraska hasn't looked like "Nebraska" in over 2 decades, we’re fine with looking more like Nebraska as long as they don't play like Nebraska. How about this road look? Here at BU, we did a “representative” survey around Wisconsin to see which possible outcomes are most likely next Saturday and then analyze what we feel is the most likely: Mama said there would be days like this, 2014 Indy Ending, 0-59 Loss: No, Wisconsin is not heavily favored this time as they were in 2014, but we could lose big like the sorry NM State Aggies or Toledo Rockets did last week. The survey says 17% of respondents think this will happen. BU speculates that this cohort is made up of Badger fans with some weird pessimistic disorder and tOSU transplants. Loser talk, “Respectable Loss Ending” - 24-42 Loss: Bucky plays well enough in the first half and is even winning at half time. There are glimpses of brilliance on both sides of the ball. Vito is back and makes a long field goal. But, tOSU regroups at halftime and steamrolls to a victory. The survey says 43% of respondents make this prediction, including most non-homers and many regular Badger fans. Scooby Doo Ending, 33-34 Loss: “We woulda won If it weren’t for those darn refs!!” The Badgers play outta their mind with few mistakes and have some lucky breaks, but some optically challenged or paid off ref makes a call on par with the Jerry Rice fumble non-call and Bucky goes down in flames. 35% of Homer-twinged fans chose this outcome. Simple Math Ending, 38-35 Win: Bucky won last week 66-7 and Brutus won 77-21; therefore, Wisconsin will win by 3 by playing great, being Appalachian State lucky, and tOSU laying an egg. Vito kicks an air-bending 55-yard winning field goal off the upright as time expires. 3% in our survey think this will happen (made up primarily of respondents from Fitchburg nursing homes). Wazoo Anomaly Ending, 28-10 Win: Bucky shows that they are the real deal and that everyone except fringe W Anon Homers were mistaken in their assessment of UW’s prospects. Reminiscent of the 1981 drubbing of #1 Michigan, Bucky dominates and beats a very good Buckeye team. 2% think this will happen. There are always a few. Results: 97% of respondents say Bucky loses and 13% say we’ll win. Yes, this adds up to 110%. We suspect some tabulation irregularities in our market research department. No, we are not going to investigate. BU chooses scenario B. Though we had a run of going 4-2 vs. tOSU 1999-2004, including the final win with John Stocco at QB, this matchup will be one where you really see the difference between 5-star and 3-star talent. In the last decade, OSU has simply lapped the rest of the conference, Wisconsin included. They have become the Alabama of the B1G, but it doesn't seem like the B1G even has a Georgia or LSU to challenge them consistently. Meanwhile, Wisconsin has become something more like Florida or A&M in the SEC--usually solid but not a true threat. Urban Meyer took their recruiting to another level. He moved on from recruiting Ohio kids like Tressel used to and swung to national recruiting. It's paid off and the recruiting gap has widened since he left. Ohio State replaced us several years ago in fielding the conference’s best offensive line. Our offensive line is a work-in-progress and the jury is out on our defense with eight new starters minus our top cover corner. Besides, Ohio State will be sporting black uniforms. We are screwed, Melvin Gordon color scheme or not. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Tom Brady does not like change… The 104-year-old quarterback voiced his thoughts on the NFL's number-rule changes during the Offseason. "The number rule is crazy," Brady said. "Literally, guys changed their numbers today. I'm playing two guys who had different numbers in the preseason. So, yeah, you've got to watch film and know who you're studying but so do running backs. They've got to know who to block. So does the offensive line. So do the receivers who are adjusting their routes based on blitzes. "So, one guys has got a 6, one guy has 11, one guy has got a 9. And they change every play when you break your routes and get to your spot. It's going to be a very challenging thing. It's a good advantage for the defense, which that's what it is." Thanks for clarifying Tom … Just looking at the stats so far (yes, with only two games the stats are not representative), but looking at the stats so far enawayze, we should be 14 to 15-point underdogs. However, the betting line only favors the Buc’s be 1.5 to 2-points. What gives Coach? Why is the line so low? The Bucs & Brady have kicked our ass the last two times we played. Jimmy, there are four reasons we will beat the Bucs on Sunday. One - Brady has a banged-up and young O-Line and has lost his top three receivers, including Mike Evans (Chris Godwin & Julio Jones are injured). Fortunately, Jon Runyan Jr. called his dad, the NFL Punishment Commissioner, and ordered to him suspend Evans for a game. Well done guys! More importantly, since Brady passed the century mark in age a few years ago, he has become more-and-more of a “stay off my lawn old-guy”. After an altercation with his neighbor over autumn leaf piles, he was sentenced to community service working with grade school age children. Brady is shown below teaching sportsmanship at Haywood U. Backoff Elementary School in Tampa. Two - A little bit of D in the first half is going to go a long way in getting Brady to throw a few more tablets. OLB Preston Smith was great in both Run and Pass against the Bears. He rushed only 14 times but still managed six pressures and two sacks, including one forcing a fumble. Smith was also at least partially responsible for helping stop Fields short of the goal line on the decisive 4th-and-goal play. In this clip Preston beats off the block, holds the edge and slides down the line to make the tackle with Quay Walker helping on clean-up. Look for a lot of this against the Bucs. Criminey sakes, how the hell was Rasul Douglas sitting on a Practice Squad last year? On 2nd & 15 Douglas immediately sniffs out the play and goes in for the kill without hesitation, proving all his film room work is paying off. No throwing-of-shoulders at ball carriers here - Rasul uses his arms to wrap up. {If everyone on D starts to do that, we will be a Top-5 D.} Three – Road Grader Dillion Aaron Jones went off for a gazillion yards against the Bears. He had 170 total yards on just 18 touches, forced 13 missed tackles and scored the team’s first two touchdowns. A third of his touches (six) gained 10 or more yards. Half (nine) gained eight or more. All of that was fantastic, but nothing was more exciting to Coach than watching Dillion blast Bears All-Pro LB Roquan Smith out of the hole on the Goal Line. The Creamsicles from Tampa will load-up against Jones … so expect Dillion to have an even better game this weekend and he’ll be a big part of wearing down the Bucs Defense in the heat. Four – Special Teams. Hard to believe Coach is saying this … but aside from Amaroni Rodgers muffed punt, the Special Teams played well! How about that for a nice change?!?! The two FG and three Extra Points were back to routine, automatic and boring. Fantastic!! Then mix in the Kick and Punt Coverage Teams were great all night. Dallin Leavitt (#6 above) is listed as a Safety on the roster … but he was really acquired to boost Special Teams. He and Rudy Ford (#40, also acquired for Special Teams) were great covering kicks all night last Sunday! Expect more of this on Sunday … and pinch myself … maybe even a forced turnover on ST! Coach sees a solid road win! Packers 24 Bucs 20 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Coach knows what you’re thinking, “What ever happened to Skidmark Gilberri?” Well, folks, I’m here to tell ya – it ain’t a particularly happy ending… Number 2-2 Dan Gilberri was an undrafted free agent out of Palmer College in Davenport, Iowa signed by the Packers during training camp 2005 to, more or less, take the practice load off of starting and backup RB’s Ahman Green, Samkon Gado and Tony Fischer. Gilberri never saw playing time in his lone year with the Pack, not even in a preseason game, as he was disciplined early in training camp by head coach Lindy Infante for doing early morning doughnut burnouts in the Lambeau Field parking lot before team practice; hence, the nickname “Skidmark.” Unfortunately, success continues to elude Gilberri – now outside of football. When questioned by police recently regarding a domestic dispute, Dan Gilberri failed to prove he was not the registered sex offender attached to the identity he stole, and now he awaits an Oct. 10 court appearance on charges of criminal impersonation, with accompanying charges of identity theft and forgery. Gilberri moved to Connecticut about a year ago and took up residence in the Sunset Motel in Clinton. Police said Gilberri purloined the identity of Kris Kowalski in order to obtain a Connecticut driver's license and credit cards. Gilberri was living in Florida at the time and Kowalski was his neighbor. Police think Gilberri figured his four drunk driving arrests would make it difficult to get a license legally in Connecticut, and subsequently carried on a life under the assumed identity of Kris Kowalski. The scheme worked well, although Clinton cops who came to know him before his arrest said they always wondered why the guy they knew as Kris Kowalski was called "Dan" by his friends. But last month, "Kowalski" was arrested for disorderly conduct, after an alleged fight with his girlfriend, Pink Uvenus. Running a routine computer check of his background, police say they were startled to find that "Kowalski" was a convicted sex offender in Michigan and not registered as required with the state of Connecticut. While every scrap of identification in his possession labeled their suspect as "Kowalski," the former standout running back at Waterloo East High School was adamant that he was not a convicted sex offender. Finally, a check of his fingerprints with the FBI revealed the "Kowalski" they knew was actually a Dan Gilberri. So this week we salute you, Dan “Skidmark” Gilberri, and good luck in court.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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