Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: the Bengals are just an 80’s girl band… Who are the Bengals? First off, they’re a team that has never won the Super Bowl; see also, 11 other teams (more than 1/3 of the League!), most notably the Vikings, the Lions, the Cardinals, and the Browns (teams we’ll play this year). Oh yeah, counting preseason, the Texans and Bills have never won it either. So, stated succinctly, they are losers. To some extent, it is because they lack identiyy -- much like the 3 homely broads in the band. Admit it, you only recognized the lead singer. In fact, she’s probably the one you looked for first. …probably the only one you looked for at all! The other 3 look like they might be one of those gender confused fellas you’re supposed to care so much about at work Monday morning even though the Sunday morning homily lingering in your ear keeps reminding you that he or she is slapping God in the face. Women band members with large facial bones and man hands are forgettable (see also, the Bengals roster). Here’s a tip for your gameday watch party: don’t ask someone if Ocho Cinco is playing. PPS, you won’t impress anyone by mentioning Anthony Muñoz. PPPS, don’t start humming “Walk Like an Egyptian” or “Manic Monday.” It’s an early kickoff. Whenever the Packers play at noon, there’s an 83.3% chance the other team is an NFL shitstorm. See also, math. The Bengals had zero Pro Bowlers last year, and finished 2-10-1. They sucked last year, and this year won’t be much better. But there is hope – after all, they are 3-1, and the chick on the left is hot. …at least, in my humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Did we play a game this week? Oh yeah, and Coach said last week “Book it Danno … Pack by 14”. And in the wudda, cudda, shudda category we could have easily won by more … or we could have lost. The entire game really was won (or cudda been lost) in the 2nd Qtr. So let’s do a little compare and contrast, shall we? Oh boy, our Defense sucks! It could hardly be more demoralizing when on the opening drive Big Ben drove the Stillers right down the field a 7-0 lead. The Stillers ran left, they ran right and right up the gut. We had no answers on the opening drive, which culminated in Jaire getting beaten for the TD. Yay – we dominated! The player of the game was Randall Cobb. Ole’ Randall looked like a Spring Chicken all day! Right after the Stillers scored, Cobber tied the game at 7-7. Oh – we got lucky! Special Teams are a new adventure each week. The field goal that blocked just before the end of the Half would have made it 17-14 Pittsburg (and the offsides call was bogus, but Erin was tripped by AJ Watt, preventing a TD, on the other FG drive … so call the BAD REF’g even) Oh boy, our Defense is Top 5! After tying the game at 7-7, Kingsley Keke had a forced fumble which Kenny Clark recovered. If we can play like this on a regular basis we will have a real shot. Oh – we got lucky! Oh boy, the Stillers had guys running wide open in the secondary all day long. Fortunately for us Ben Nothingburger is no longer a very good QB. Bottom line? We proved, again, that Pete Rozelle is getting what he wanted. Former NFL Commish Pete Rozelle wanted parity across the NFL and he achieved it … about 26 teams are mediocre, 3 are really bad and 3 are really good. He was all about participation trophies and people actually believing their shitty teams had a chance to win. We may be a shitty team, but Coach doesn’t care, we’ll take the win against a franchise that has kicked our ass for a long time now. We may be 20-16-0 all time against the Stillers; but coming into this game we were 0-5 over the last 5 Regular Season games. That’s awful Coach, when was our last Regular Season Win against the Stealers? The last game of the 1995 Season, Christmas Eve, and it launched us to our first division title since 1972. With the 24-19 win over the Stillers, the Pack finished 11-5 and crushed the Lions for the NFC Central crown and earned a date with the Atlanta Falcons at Lambeau Field in the playoffs one week later. "Merry Christmas to Green Bay," Steelers wide receiver Yancey Thigpen said in the aftermath of the play that made him a household name in Wisconsin. "That's my present." Coach was at that game and remembers well the euphoria of finally getting the NFC Central. He also remembers it was the last time he had cans of Old Style stacked vertically and duct-taped to each leg for easy carry into the stadium, and he remembers that he and his brother-in-law didn’t make it to his In-Laws for Christmas until noon the next day, but is less clear on the details of the post-game celebration. Bad Santa, bad boy Santa… … more interesting than Yancy are the orange circles in the picture above. The early nineties saw the rise of “NFL Gear” throughout the land. However, in Green Bay, cold weather meant one thing only … deers huntin’. And for deers huntin’, you needed warm, expensive, blaze orange clothing so no one was gonna waste a lot of dough on the three or four cold weather home games (remember M’waukee had tree games in doze days). The improvement of the Packers in the early 90’s led to more-and-more fans buying and wearing “Packer Stuff” at cold weather games. By ’95 you could still see plenty of blaze orange at cold-weather-home-games, but it was definitely on the way out. By the time the Pack wion SB XXXI, home games were a sea of Green & Gold only, and the folks were crazy for anything in Packer colors. So much so that the Packers raised a ton of cash by literally selling the grass from Lambeau Field (after it was torn up in the 1996 Divisional Rnd Playoff win over the Niners). And now you know a lot more than you did 60 seconds ago. Where were we? Oh, yeah …. 3-1 Tree-en-one was a popular prediction before the Season, but the most folks predicted the loss would be to the Stillers or the Niners, not Nawlin’s. So are we happy? You bet Jimmy. It may not be obvious to you, but 3-1 is actually much better than 1-3. And probably the thing that makes Coach the happiest is that we are 3-1, even with a bunch of injuries piling up. Go ask Hoody or TB12 if they care about “winning” the Regular Season. The Regular Season is about forming a team and testing depth. The 2010 Pack was only 10-6, but they played better and better throughout the Season, all while piling up a record number of guys on Season-Ending-Injured-Reserve. The punch line for Coach is that the statistics of injuries have finally caught up with us (we were the least injured Team in 2019 and 2020), yet we are winning games. One big (positive) change that came out of Covid is that you can bring guys back from IR after three weeks. Our IR has seven guys on it … all of whom were real contributors. Once healed they all can come back … if they can beat out the player that replaced them. Other Good Stuff You Should Know You know it’s funny, we get to 3-1 on the Season and Erin Rodgers is playing OK and we’re all focused on the Super Bowl, but the whole Erin Rodgers thing gets confusing doesn’t it? One of Coach’s friends actually had the temerity to ask if “everything is all forgotten now and if we love Erin again”. This line of dangerous thought prompted Coach to reach out to Erin and re-assess the situation. After an extensive interview with Erin, Coach concludes that nothing has changed. He is still one of the best throwers-of-the-football ever, but his cranium remains encased in a cavity where the sun-don’t-shine. He is a petulant, self-absorbed-sphincter, but he is our petulant, self-absorbed-sphincter and is our best shot at a Lombardi trophy for 2021, so we will… …cheer his every accomplishment this year, and …cheer even louder when we trade him for a barrel full of draft picks after the Season. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Brown Stripped of Championship Ring St. Petersburg, FL—Super Bowl LV champion Antonio Brown was stripped of his championship ring Thursday after several of the athlete’s pro-USA comments were circulated online. A spokesman for the National Football League said there’s no place for that type of vulgar language in sports today. “The NFL is now woke and stands behind ridiculous platforms that are pretty much the opposite of what the United States of America actually stands for,” the spokesman said in a prepared statement. “We have enacted a strict no-patriotism policy for the 2021 season which all players and coaches are required to uphold.” Brown was already suspended for the 2nd pre-season game for failing to kneel during the playing of the national anthem the week prior. “Since his pro-USA comments were his second offense this year, we had no choice but to strip him of his Super Bowl ring,” the spokesman said. Brown’s controversial comments were recently distributed from a prior interview with a local news affiliate following the awarding of the Championship rings to Tampa Bay Buccaneers players during training camp. “I love the US,” he asserted. “I freaking love living here. I love it and I’m so happy I get to be in the USA!” For his part, Brown says he was caught up in the moment and didn’t realize what he was saying. “I got excited and lost my head for a minute,” he said in a prepared apology as a laser dot danced around on his forehead. “As a black man and a guy that young people look up to, the last thing I ever wanted to do was give the impression that I’m proud to be an American.” The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof CHICAGO—Big play running backs like Walter Payton and Gale Sayers come to mind when thinking about greatness in Chicago, as do hard-hitting linebackers such as Dick Butkus, Mike Singletary and Brian Urlacher. Coaching legends George Halas and Mike Ditka will forever be icons in a city that seems to identify with football as much as it does murders. Yet, Chicago was nowhere to be found among the upper echelon of football towns when WalletHub released its list of best football cities. In fact, Chicago didn’t even rank in the top-10 as it slotted 18th in the 245 eligible cities that had at least one professional or major college football team. Unfortunately for Chicago, the rankings are based on team performance, costs and fan engagement. And while the Bears are one of the most visible franchises in football, the team hasn’t had more than a winning season two since it lost the Super Bowl in 2006. What really dinged the Bears here was their rank in costs and fan engagement, which rated 198th. Ouch. Other harmful factors include the Bears being fifth-highest in average ticket cost, Soldiers Field’s ranking as the second least accessible stadium in the NFL, and the No. 27 rating as the least friendly and engaged NFL fans. Not surprisingly, Green Bay, Wis., was named WalletHub’s best football city in America. Just more proof that Illinois is Wisconsin’s scrotum, and the Bears still suck. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Coach Chryst Annoyed He Only Got $5.89 For Selling 2020 Playbook Back To University Bookstore Madison, WI—Staring down at the five-dollar bill in frustration before stuffing it into his wallet, Wisconsin football coach Paul Chryst confirmed Friday that he was annoyed after only getting $5.89 from University Bookstore for selling back his 2021 playbook. “This is bullshit, that thing was worth like $350, and I barely used it. What a fucking rip-off,” said Chryst, who complained that the playbook had been explicitly pushed as mandatory for coaching the Badger football program this year even though older used ones are available online, and even though OC Joe Rudolf never read it. “A couple of pages were a little dog-eared, but that thing was basically in mint condition. And it was pretty much the same playbook they made me buy last year with a few more run-pass options. It’s all just a fucking scam to make money.” At press time, Chryst was trying to buy a gyro at the Union but was 50 cents short. This news comes on the heels of the Badger’s uninspiring loss to Michigan. Hats off to the Wolverines for showing up to play. From the lackadaisical amble through the entry tunnel to the stoic, Chryst-like stupor during Jump Around, it was obvious that the Badgers were not ready and did not have their head in the game. The Wolverines on the other hand looked fired up, swarmed our inept and porous O-line, and showed off during Jump Around. Camp Randall was definitely a House of Pain on Saturday. Sure, Bucky was only down 3 points early in the 3rd quarter when Butter Fingers Mertz went out and his top target, TE Ferguson also went down with a similar chest injury. However, from this reporter’s vantage point from Section EE, the Badgers just didn’t have it in them. As it was, Bucky finished with an anemic 43 yards rushing and the QB’s were running for their lives. The badass OL of top recruits we have come to take for granted is not part of the 2021 squad. So, with that debacle behind, there was only one answer for Badger fans: Now Bucky heads to Champaign to take on the Fighting ILL for their hoe-coming. For the 5th straight game, the Badgers are favored, this time by 10. Illinois Memorials Stadiums should be hopping. They sell beer inside the stadium and kickoff is at 2:30. Many underclassmen should be at the peak of their hair-of-the-dog buzz following an early-morning closing a local tap with new head coach Brett Bielema (yes, the former Bucky HC). Sources in Madison tell us that when Bielema was head coach of Wisconsin, he would often party with the players in local bars after the games. Our sources also tell us that Ron Dayne was one of Bielema’s favorite players to ‘drink under the table’. Reportedly, Dayne’s poor bowl performances were due to being hungover after partying with Bielema and several hookers the night before those games. Now Bielema has his former Arkansas QB Cole Kelley in Champaign (literally, and literally) … recently, Kelley was arrested for suspicion of DWI and careless driving. Kelley says that he and coach Bielema wanted to see who could drink a 40-ounce Mad Dog 20/20 the fastest. Kelley went on to say that he was able to drink 4 of the tasty malt beverages in less than 45 seconds after Bielema showed him the ‘secret’ to keeping his throat open. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game As you, the discerning reader know, the NFC North played the AFC North in 2017 and in 2013 (every 4 years). AR played in both Seasons against the Bungles, but ironically, missed the Stealers both of those years (please recall Erin had owies in his collar bones and had to sit out most of those two Seasons. As we go into this game, the 2013 Game looks like a good comp. Both teams were 1-1 in 2013 and both teams are 3-1 in 2021. Do we pass the eye-test as we round the 4/17th’s Pole of the 2021 NFL Season? There are a number of lessons that can be gleaned from that game. Lesson 1 – don’t fumble Lesson 2 – fire Mike McCarthy In a classic dumbass move, with 4:01 left in the fourth quarter, McCarthy decided to run the ball on 4th-and-1 to preserve what was then a 30-27 lead. But rookie back Johnathan Franklin fumbled, and Bengals cornerback Terence Newman returned it 58 yards for the game-deciding touchdown. “You definitely think you would win the game, no doubt," cornerback Tramon Williams said of the Bengals' four-turnover first half, when Cincinnati blew a 14-point lead to go down, 16-14 at halftime. "When you’re around the game long enough, you see stuff like that happen. It’s crazy. It unfolded the way we didn’t want it to.” The shame of it was that the fumble overshadowed a 13-carry, 103-yard day in Franklin’s first taste of NFL action. He was a very promising rookie, but suffered a severe neck injury in Week 12 against the Vikings and his career was kaput. Both the Green Bay Packers and Cincinnati Bengals turned the ball over four times that day … the lesson for this week? Don’t turn over the ball. OK so why we gonna win? Offense – Advantage Pack The Bungals offense is a bit banged up and they aren’t at the Packers’ level yet, even with their new hot shot QB, Ken Anderson. Defense – Advantage Bungals Well, this is probably true with about 31 other teams until we fire DC BeriBeri and while Jaire Alexander is out. The Bungals are a stout group that doesn’t give up a ton of yards or points and can also get to the quarterback. They are going to make things harder for Matt LaFleur and the Green Bay offense. (Doesn’t “stout group” always make you giggle?) Special Teams – Advantage Who Knows? WE have better kickers, but we can’t cover punts or kicks. In summary, - We won’t turnover the ball - Our Offense, with our Self-Absorbed-Sphincter, is just way better than anyone else … and, last-but-not-least. - Our roster is better than their roster. Yes, we’ve had a ton of injuries, but that hasn’t stopped Gutey for making a ton of improvements. Don’t believe that? Well, this week the Packers sent Coach a personal invitation to the Pro Shop. In a true LOL moment, it was obvious the Pro Shop pricing is reflective of Gutey’s current and future plans (I'm just glad you and I are considered indispensable to this organization)... The Packers are favored by 3 points and the Over/Under is now up to 50.5. We will win, and be slightly “over”, but in a “too-close-for-comfort” squeaker, we will finish the job started in 2013 and not give up the late TD: Packers 27 Bungles 24 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them SinSinNaughty,OH—Former Packers Defensive Tackle Urban Henry, and current consultant emeritus to the Jacksonville Jagwires, was the subject of Twitter and TicToc videos this past week. In case you don’t remember Urban, he was an All-State football player at Morgan City High School before playing collegiately at Georgia Tech. After getting his degree in Forestry, he was drafted by the LA Rams in 1958, then grabbed a cup of coffee with a couple Canadian teams before the remarkably strong, 6’-4” 265-lb D-lineman ended up playing for Coach Lombardi in 1963. Later, after retiring from the NFL, he may or may not have coached a couple of college teams to national championships. But back to present day… The ex-Packer got into hot water when he excused himself from the 0-4 Jaguars flight home Thursday night after a loss to the Bengals in order to “spend time in Cincinnati with his grandchildren.” However, Urban was spotted at a bar the following night appearing to cavort with a number of younger women and, in particular, Dutch door finger-banging a college co-ed, presumably as a callisthenic warmup, before grinding her behind. The good news(?) is that Coach confirmed it was not his granddaughter. What’s next for Urban is unclear, but it likely will entail overt attempts to appease his cash-hungry wife and perhaps several insincere apologies to players and fans in the Sunshine State. We shall see. Regardless, I think it’s safe to say the Jags are officially on the clock.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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