Admit it … It’s hard to get up for Lions week. They’ve sucked so bad for so long, and Detroit is just a depressing arm pit of a city, we’re all (including the players) just like, “Why even bother?” OK, I’m ready. Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Create A Seam Here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme It’s the “pre-season-is-over-now-pretenders-move-aside-quarterpole” edition of The Show!!! So how does it feel to be 2-1-1? Well I guess it feels better than losing, but the objective is always a Super Bowel, and right now it feels like a Full Bowel. How does Aaron feel so far? A very angry and frustrated Aaron Rodgers explained that he was not happy with the performance of the Packer’s offense against the Bills on Sunday. Particularly frustrating? The play calling. Would you be happy? We threw more than 40 times, with an injured QB, in a game where we had a big lead, and the RB’s were gaining more than 5 yards per carry!! WTF…. Coach thinks that A-Rod SHOULD be pissed-off. By all accounts, the knee is still pretty painful. Rodgers went on to explain that he was going to schedule Uncle Mike for an earwax removal, it was the only procedure left (well, OK, a rectal cranial inversion reversal may be the last step). Coach was able to sneak in and get actual film footage of A-Rod supervising the removal of a pound and a half of ear wax from portly Mikey. There’s a reason Aaron and all of Coach’s loyal readers feel frustrated, we haven’t really put together a game yet. The chart below shows the Point Differential between the Packers and the Opponents, by Quarter, for every game so far. The green bars show us outscoring the other guys, the red bars are the opposite. Through four games: We outscored the other guys in 8 quarters They outscored us in 6 quarters We tied for 2 quarters The dashed line shows the cumulative point differential is 9 points, or 2.3 pts/game. This is good enough for 9th, just behind Cincinnati. The stinker in the room is that half of the good quarters were last week against the Bills…a really crappy team. The dashed line, of total points differential, is trending in the right direction, but we need to see that continue against the Portsmouth Spartans next weekend. Let’s dive a little deeper into the D-Line/Front 7 this week and see how they are doing. Short version: We suck. Our best pass rusher is Reggie Gilbert, and he’s only pressuring the QB on 16% of his snaps…. which is way below average in the NFL. “Overpaid-Longhair” is an abysmal 7% (right BEHIND Kyler Fackrell for Frick's sake) ... if he had any decency he’d refund the Packers some of the $10.4 million base salary he’s being paid this year (#FrontCoverOfSI). In a laughable moment of disarming honesty, the NFL admitted this week that Clay’s roughing-the-passer call in the Viking game was a mistake…and insightful NFL Analysts everywhere are now calling for QB’s to take more accountability for their role in getting injured. OK, back the DL. Montravious Adams is a poster child for ineffectiveness. He hasn't had much time between the hashmarks since joining the Packers, but now that Mo Wilkerson is on the IR, Mo Adams is on the field. He has now recorded 0 pressures in 9 pass rush snaps. We don’t have space to explain all the math theory here, let’s just say his “pressure-percentage-per-snap” is undefined and undetectable. Let’s hope for more, but so far, he looks like another TT wasted draft pick. Adams was selected from Auburn in the third round of the 2017 Draft. During his first training-camp practice, he felt pain in his foot and it turned out he had a stress fracture that required surgery (#VinceBiegel). Adams played in only seven games during his rookie season, including only one for four snaps in the first seven weeks of 2017. Adams was on the field for 66 defensive snaps and 22 special-teams plays as a rookie. This season, he's played 13 defensive snaps in three games. "Guys just have to step up," Kenny Clark said. "We have full confidence in all those guys. It's hard to see one of your brothers go down. Mo being in our room and him being a great teammate, seeing him go down was crazy. But we have to just step up." Let Coach translate for you: “That guy really sucks, but we don’t have anyone else.” On the brighter side, AR was much more mobile in the Bills game and was starting to run around again…. …even if that meant a little re-arranging of the garter belt from time-to-time. But what really excited Coach this week was that Clinton’s Dick wants to play some fussball! In what Coach can only describe as “normal football”, Ha Ha finally showed up for a game and knocked the snot out of the Bill’s Kelvin Benjamin while intercepting the ball. The Front 7 will be a weak spot for pressuring the opposing QB all season, but if we can get the DB’s to fly to the ball we may have a chance of playing some decent defense. Coach is really encouraged that the simplified coverage assignments in Mike Poutine’s scheme may be starting to pay off. Fingers crossed. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Andrew Luck Vows to Bring Indianapolis Another Great Pizza Ad INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Stressing the difficulty of following in the footsteps of an all-time legend, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck vowed Thursday to bring Indianapolis fans another great pizza ad. “It’s been far too long since Colts fans have been able to call a pizza ad campaign their own, but I’m going to do my best to bring them the high-quality commercials they deserve,” said Luck, explaining that he always dreamed of standing on the soundstage and proudly holding up a slice of pepperoni pizza just like one of his heroes. “Peyton Manning gave Indianapolis one of the best pizza promotion runs the NFL has ever seen. I may not be able to live up to that, but Colts fans should know I’m reading scripts and working on my pie-flipping mechanics every day to make sure I honor his legacy.” Do Lions Regret Bringing In A Sexual Predator To Lead The Team? DETROIT, MI – The now famous “Me, too” movement has quickly and rightly put an end to powerful men in Hollywood and Washington assaulting subordinates, and has outed such men guilty of committing these transgressions decades ago. The NFL narrowly escaped a similar embarrassing exposé earlier this year when New England Patriots assistant coach Matt Patricia was exiled to Detroit to become the Lions head coach. Early in 2018 Patricia had a case dismissed for assault accusations 22 years ago, as the judge stipulated there was “…insufficient evidence to convict a man simply because his accuser said he did it, with no corroborating evidence. Could you imagine the insanity that would happen if people just assumed a man was guilty of sexual assault solely because someone accused him of doing it decades ago?” Patricia’s former head coach, Bill Belichick confessed afterward that he knew Patricia spent “inappropriate amount of time taking showers with diet and nutrition interns.” But Belichick went on to explain that he was “…a lot smarter than CBS executives and Penn State athletic directors” because he got rid of his problem before the scandal could start in Foxboro. The migrating controversy that accompanied Patricia to Detroit is now infamously known as the “D, too” movement. Following suit, the Lions have re-hired defensive line coach Joe Cullen, who was previously let go by former Lions head coach Rod Marinelli after being arrested for going through a Wendy’s drive-thru completely naked. The Detroit Free Press reported that Cullen allegedly pulled his SUV up to the window and placed an order in the nude. The Wendy's manager, Chuck Yufarley, said he was working the second drive-thru window when, "The cashier alerted me [that] `a guy coming to your window is naked!'" Added Yufarley, "He didn't say a word. I said, `Here you go with your food, sir’ and, even though it left of a bad taste in my mouth, I told him I was glad he came." ADVERTISEMENT – NEW, FROM MASTER FOODS, YOU’RE GONNA NEED A NAPKIN! The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Chicago Bears Don’t Know What The Hell To Do With 3 Wins CHICAGO—Following their win over an imploding Buccaneers team on Sunday, the Chicago Bears expressed confusion over what the hell they were supposed to do with their three wins now that they have them. “I hope we get to keep these, because a lot of the guys really like these wins,” said cornerback Kyle Fuller, helping teammates build a special shelf in the middle of the locker room where the team intends to keep the wins. “I bet if we lose this week the league will try to take them away from us, but we’re not going to let ‘em. No, sir. We love these wins.” After practice on Monday, head coach Matt Nagy made an unscheduled statement to the team announcing an impromptu, voluntary meeting to clarify numerous questions he was being peppered with from players about whether the NFL had a rewards program in which wins could be cashed in for flight upgrades or similar prizes. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Welcomes Former National Powerhouse Nebraska After our Iowa City grinder and a week off, the Badgers have been granted a bonus tune up game against the Nebraska Cornholers. Not much to analyze here. We beat them five straight times and they beat us only once since joining the Big Ten. The primary difference this time around is that Nebraska does not come in highly ranked and over-rated after beating up on bottom-feeding opposition. At 0-4, the Holers are actually worse than their record indicates. Michigan beat Bucky to be the first team to put up 50 points on Nebraska, who is playing defense this year like they are still in the Big 12. By taking over the reins at Nebraska, head coach Scott Frost is about to die a death of his own choosing (Click On Link … it’s a MUST SEE). Perhaps this season is a comeuppance of sorts for Frost being the beneficiary of two teams with questionable claims to college football national championship — first as the Cornholer QB for the 1997 team that lobbied for a share of the championship with Michigan and last year as head coach of a UCF team that beat Memphis for their only top 25 win before #7 Auburn conducted their annual ritual of not showing up for their bowl game. Unlike UCF’s creampuff schedule and low academic standards, Nebraska does have high academic standards and does typically play respectable competition at times. Frost’s team is one in transition. He should have success recruiting and those recruits should eventually produce wins. It is Bucky’s job Saturday night to derail the timetable for that happening. Kick these guys while they are down. Sway some of those Florida recruits considering offers to play in Lincoln to reconsider playing in a more fun town like Madison and a more consistently successful program like Wisconsin’s. Here’s what to expect Saturday night. Husker fans travel well. 6:30 kickoff means all afternoon to hit multiple beer gardens and beer bong parties on Breese Terrace. Again, Husker fans travel well. Oh, and about the game… Grumblings about Jonathon Taylor not breaking big runs come to an end, with Taylor breaking multiple 30-yard plus runs. Concerns about Badgers wide receivers not getting separation will be put aside for one week as Davis, Taylor and the TE’s rack up big chunks of yards. (Note that Michigan could score only 17 points vs. Notre Dame and only 20 points against Northwestern, but managed 56 against Nebraska.) Offensively, the only cap on Wisconsin’s scoring is Paul Chryst channeling his inner Mike McCarthy to not run up the score, hurt the other team’s feelings or reveal any creative plays that he is saving for Michigan. Nebraska’s freshman QB is ok and they possess good receivers. Wisconsin’s young secondary may give up a big play or two, but this is one of the games where the thin defensive line does not get exploited. With VanGinkel returning to better health, look for more QB pressures than we have seen the last two weeks. Plus, the Holers special teams give up punt returns like it’s the first day of spring practice. Wisconsin wins 38-10. While this may feel good for many, the real tests will be road games at Michigan, Northwestern and Penn State. We’re Gonna Kick You’re a$$ – Predictions for the upcoming game This game in Detroit is a gimme. The Lions beat the Hundlebrook-led-McCarthy-coached Packers twice last year. Both times in sloppy games. Coach likes to think of those games as Exhibit A in why McCarthy is really just a below average putz-of-a-coach who got lucky when TT gave him Rodgers (who McCarthy rejected when he was at SF). We lead the series with the Pussy-Cats 100-70-7 all-time, with an average score of 21 to 18, and there is no way statistically, historically or logically we lose this game. Nowhere is there more emotion behind this game than in the Norm Van der Checci home. The Marinette natives are in a mini-feud with their neighbors, the Detroit Kittys fans, the Gritzmachers. Coach had a chance to chat with Norm this week at Red Lobster when he brought his family down from the U.P. for a steak before they headed over to Lambeau to start setting up for the game. We applaud the Van der Checci’s for their loyalty (and discretely informed them that Lions game is in the Motor City this weekend…but hey, gotta love’em). So Matt Patricia is running the show in Detroit. They were thrilled to get the disciple of Bill Belichick because somehow Belichick’s greatness is supposed to rub off on his assistants. Let’s see if their logic passes the sniff test… Bill Belichick former assistants Head Coaching record: Romeo Crennel: 28-55 Eric Mangini: 33-47 Josh McDaniels: 11-17 Bill O’Brien: 31-34 Charlie Weiss: 41-49 Matt Patricia: 1-3 Not one is .500. “But, Coach, isn’t Matthew Stafford a serious threat?” Maybe, Jimmy, because his numbers seem gaudy, but not really … most of his “impressive” stats are padded late in games when the Lions are far behind and the other team is in Prevent-D mode (allowing lots of yards in the middle of the field in order to chew up time on the clock). In fact, the Detroit Free Press sports writers refer to the Lions QB as “Pad Statford”! Furthermore, Stafford can’t overcome the overwhelming nadir culture of the Lions organization... Rob Gronkowski (Patriots All-Pro TE) was almost traded to the Lions right before the draft (a story on Fox NFL Sunday a couple of weeks ago). When he found out – he threatened to retire. In other words, he would rather not play football forever, than play for Detroit. Based on the performance of the Lions thus far, I would say the Tight End for New England is more inspiring to the Lions than their own All-Pro quarterback. But Coach doesn’t want to overwhelm you with my compelling cerebral insight (best served in small doses), nor bore you with technical evaluation for how Bashaud Breeland is going to tear it up (no, not tearing off his golf-cart-induced skin graft, Coach means tear-it-up on the field). Still, the D is going to rip the Lions apart and will have at least 3 turnovers. And note that Rodgers always is a beast on weeks where his ability is in question, and JK Scott is going to have his best game yet. In the dome, he’ll stick the Pussy-Cats inside their 10 yard-line on every punt. No, forget all that X&O’s stuff, the biggest reason we will trash the Lions is that they are the Buffalo Williams in different uni’s. Coach had a real chuckle watching the Lions run around in their ridiculous color rush uniforms against the Cowturds last week. But they seemed very familiar, so Coach did a little research... It turns out Lion’s QB Matt Stafford is currently peddling those uniforms as a spandex model during the Tuesday off-days from his duties in Detroit. In exclusive news, Coach is able to report that the financially failing Lions were able to secure discount color rush uniforms for $27.99 each. Coach cannot confirm or deny rumors that Stafford is receiving a $1.72 kickback per uniform. The NFL has confirmed, however, that Stafford is the highest paid QB that moonlights wearing spandex. Oh, and one more thing (just in case you forgot), there's always this gem (Click On Link). Packers 27 Portsmouth Spartans 18 (counting the last 8-points in garbage time) JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them With the enshrinement of Jerry Kramer into the Pro-Football HOF this year, Coach’s mailbag has been filled with questions about “Who was the Packers’ punter in 1964?” Well, without further ado, Coach presents Jerry Norton! Jerry was quite an athlete, he was selected to five Pro Bowls and is in the Texas High School Hall of Fame (parenthetical, “who gives two poops about Texas, we’re in Wisconsin”). Originally drafted as a Defensive Back in the seventh round (81st overall) of the 1954 NFL Draft by the Philadelphia Eagles, Jerry played safety and finished with 5 interceptions in his rookie year. Throughout his career he has recorded statistics as a defensive back, a running back, a passer, a receiver and as a punter for the Eagles, Cardinals (Chicago/St. Louis), Cowboys and Packers. He is the only player in league history to twice intercept four passes in a game (1960 and 1961). On September 10, 1963, Lombardi acquired him from the Cowboys in a trade for a 6th Round Draft Choice. Norton spent his last two years in the NFL with the Green Bay Packers, where he was only used as a punter. In a “Lombardi-was-on-this-way-before-Belichick” observation, Jerry averaged 43.5 yards per punt and was one of the weapons of the ’63 & ’64 Packers. In addition to 35 interceptions, while primarily playing Defense, Jerry had 11 receptions and 47 rushing attempts, with a 7.3 yds/carry average in 131 career games. Passing? Well, he had 2 attempts, but 0 completions. For clarification purposes, Coach points out that Jerry Norton was not related to Don Norton, nor Ken Norton, nor either Ed Norton from The Honeymooners or the Fight Club movie. In a very interesting aside, Coach discovered that Jerry Norton has been a primary case study by criminologists at the Ezechia Marco Lombroso Italian School of Positivist Criminology. You undoubtedly already know that Lombroso's research suggested criminals are distinguished from non-criminals by multiple physical anomalies. It is unclear if Vince Lombardi or his staff was fully aware of Norton’s proclivities. Coach would like to strenuously emphasize that Jerry was never convicted of any sexual harassment charges. “Convicted? No, never convicted." Since Lombroso's research tied criminal behavior together with the insane, Lombroso is closely credited with the genesis of the criminal insane asylum. The concept is kept alive today with modern correctional facilities like Cook County Jail, which houses the largest population of prisoners with mental illness in the United States (and coincidentally is also headquarters of the Bears Fan Club.) Beyond the -- shall we say, "superficial research" Coach dug a little deeper and found this rare photo of Packers legends gambling in the locker room. Jerry is seated in the back row at the right (partially obscured). You can clearly see him egging Jim Taylor into making a very poor cribbage wager. In an extreme moment of irony (you remember irony, right?), Paul Horning is also in the gambling pic (front left). Horning and Detroit Lions DT Alex Karras were suspended for gambling (April 17, 1963) and had to sit out the entire 1963 Season. Pete Rozelle claimed they were betting on NFL games and associating with gamblers. Hornung, said Rozelle, had bet up to $500 on NFL games, and Karras, he said, had placed at least a half dozen $50-$100 bets. Five other Detroit players were fined for betting on the 1962 championship game. Hornung apologized. "I made a terrible mistake," he said. "I am truly sorry." Still, he was later inducted to the Pro Football Hall of Fame (#SeeAlso,PeteRose). Karras went on to live his life as an actor in Hollywood, playing prominent roles in Victor Victoria and the TV sitcom Webster (Karras played the black youth's adoptive father, "George Papadopolis" ... seriously, that was the character's name!). Karras is most widely known for his famous role in Blazing Saddles, though, in which he played "Mongo" -- an attention-getting, imposing yet lovable character who really wanted to be good despite finding himself constantly in a bad situation, and was resigned to merely being a pawn in the futile game of life (#SeeAlso,MatthewStafford). And so for that, Jerry Norton, we salute you!?
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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