Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: No more lipstick on a pig… Coach likes the throwback jerseys as much as the next guy. By that I mean – take ’em or leave ’em, either way I don’t really care, same as everyone else. Just win the fucking football game. It seems like Green Bay Packers, Inc. is spending an inordinate amount of effort on things that have nothing to do with winning the Super Bowl, and more to do with attention getting splash. If Mark Murphy was from around here, he would get that, but he isn’t, so he doesn’t. He is investing a lot money into things that will return little revenue once the number of L’s we have starts flirting with our quantity of W’s, and we are on the precipice of that right now. Last year circa Week 8 somebody needed to tell Matt LaFleur that everybody except Matt LaFleur knew his Special Teams would be the downfall of the team unless a change occurred at the coordinator position. I knew it, you knew, EVERYBODY knew it. So someone, perhaps - like the guy who proclaimed himself the one in charge of communication, should have told Matt LaFleur to course correct. So fast-forward to present day and here we are again – it’s clear that several 1st round picks are not being used to take advantage of their skills and are unable as a group to achieve defensive greatness, or competence. So this time around, at the midweek point of this season, if Murphy won’t open his mouth then I will profess to Matt LaFleur that he must do that most difficult of difficult tasks, fire one of his buddies before the team reaches the point of no return – or limp along until his failure to do so brings an abrupt end to the season. Sure, the Packers looked swell in their fancy schmancy bright green uni’s during warmups last week, but that didn’t hide my ability to see the crappy product on the field once the game started. The need for a new defensive coordinator is hard to miss. …at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Proximate Cause vs. Ultimate Cause WTF Coach? A proximate cause is an event which is closest to, or immediately responsible for causing, some observed result. This exists in contrast to a higher-level ultimate cause (or distal cause) which is usually thought of as the "real" reason something occurred. Hang with Coach here Jimmy. The proximate cause is that we didn’t block or tackle as well as the Jets. Are you sensing a theme yet Jimmy? You might think that some of Erin Fraudgers low passer rating is that he was battered around like a cheap pinata at a meth-head’s birthday party … and that is not really very far off the mark … …but the truth is that he was throwing the ball very poorly right off the bat … you know, like he has been doing all year. Well Coach, Offense and Special Teams stunk it up … but what about the D? The apologists for Defense point to their good play for 21/2 Quarters. As former D-Coordinator Poutine once said: “there is a word for almost winning, it’s called ‘losing’” … and losing we did to finish out the game on D. One of the better defensive plays of the game was DT Lowry batting down a pass on 2nd & 7 … and thank goodness he did! The Jets were running a crossing route that would have gone for at least 25 yards if he didn’t knock it down. I’m not saying we got lucky, let’s just say 99 times out of 100 the play goes for at least 25 yards … and it’s obvious we have not “fixed” the crossing pattern yet. Not to be out done by the Pass D, the Run D had its share of complete SNAFU’s as well. “The Dagger” was the Jets' six-play, 55-yard touchdown drive that was capped by Hall's 34-yard rushing touchdown on the first play of the fourth quarter. When asked what happened on the play, Adrian Amos said: “Somebody wasn’t in their gap up the seam and he just took off”. The Proximate Cause, Jimmy, is that we played like shit… The Proximate Cause, Jimmy, is that we played with no heart. One of the most telling moments were the opposing Coaches’ view of the game. Jets Head Coach, Robert Sahleh, and best friend of Petite LaFleur, had this to say when recounting his half-time speech: “just keep giving the Packers body blow after body blow, keep hitting them in the mouth, we felt like if we kept taking them down to deeper water, they’ll find out they can’t swim.” At the same time in the Losers-Locker-Room, Petite LaFleur was saying: “Ultimately, you hate beating up on your buddy in this league.” LaFleur is soft and so is our team. Guess which Coach Vince Lombardi endorses from Heaven … hint: Vince didn’t believe in “having fun*” and feeling bad about winning. *LaFleur put an emphasis on players “having fun” in practice this week. According to Fraudgers and Petite Fleur we did not execute well. Once upon-a-time there was an NFL expansion team in Tampa Bay called the Creamsicle Buc’s. They were coached by one of the most successful College Football Coaches ever, a guy by the name of John McKay. McKay had a 74.9% winning record at USC, won nine Pac 8 Titles and won 4 National Championships. He immediately knew that he made a mistake in leaving USC … and he was extremely frustrated with his 0-26 start an NFL Head Coach. John McKay was asked after yet another loss: “What do you think of your team’s execution?” McKay replied: “I’m in favor of it!” The Ultimate Cause, Jimmy, is a bit less visible, but very easy to understand. Lack of Leadership When asked if he needed to play better, Fraudgers replied: “maybe a little tick”. Leaders take accountability, Losers shift the blame to others. In the wake of the disaster against the Jets, Rodgers made one thing very clear … Aaron Rodgers said some derivative of “simplify the offense” over 30 times during his 15-minute presser after Jets loss. But what exactly does that mean? Don’t ask Matt LaFleur, when Matt LaFleur is asked about that, he says, “I don’t know what that means.” When Mark Murphy was asked what went wrong, he replied: “Don’t you fret, Erin and I will leave no stone unturned this week when we go looking for who’s to blame, I just know that it’s not me.” As much as we all want Erin Fraudgers off the Team, he aint going nowhere. As much as the crowd cheered when Jordan Love entered the Jets game in the 4th Qtr. … Fraudgers is here for the foreseeable future. If we cut him today, we’d have $151 million in dead cap money … and if we cut him in 2023, we’d have $100 million in dead cap. Like it or not, we have him for 2022, and you’d better hope he comes back next year. If he doesn’t, we will be screwed and we will have to essentially fire the whole team to get under the Salary Cap. Oh, BTW, this is also the reason nobody will take him in trade … Lack of Leadership … and how the hell did we get here?? Let’s take a stroll down Memory Lane Jimmy … you see for 30 years we had one of the best organizations in the NFL. Bob Harlan put in place a structure and system of accountability and inserted Ron Wolf in the role of General Manager. Sensibly, when Mark Murphy took over for Harlan, he kept the structure and tabbed Ted Thompson to play the “Ron Wolf Role”. This worked extremely well up until the point that, sadly, Ted fell into dementia. Murphy waited about 4 years too long, but eventually he pushed TT into retirement… …and the restructuring he did along with that has caused the vast majority of today’s problems. In 2018 Murphy fired HC Melissa McCarthy (also 4 years too late) … but the real sin was confusing the lack of talent with a problem in the organizational structure. Murphy effectively eliminated the GM role and inserted himself. Gutey was hired as “GM” … which in reality is now “Head of Scouting” … while assumed most of the GM role. A bit under the radar, but just as importantly, he also gave Erin a monster contract in 2018, and effectively made Fraudgers the Offensive Coordinator when new Head Coach Little Flower was hired. That structure worked well enough until the Packers had the “audacity” to draft a replacement QB for the aging QB in the 2020 draft. The move prompted an MVP Season in 2020, but then Erin threw down his toys and started crying on the floor. In response, Murphy rolled over again and gave Fraudgers a promotion to Uber Head Coach. The consequence is that he ceded more control to Fraudgers; and Erin got control of more of the team and specifically got more control of the way the Team is run. Not satisfied with the control he gained in 2021, Erin Fraudgers held out again in early 2022 and demanded the franchise-hostage-holding-contract that Murphy eventually gave him. And, as you know, as part of that latest contract, Murphy gave up his title of CEO and ceded it to Fraudgers. After years of posturing, posing, and pushing the blame onto everyone else, Fraudgers runs the Packers. Much like the dog chasing the car, Fraudgers is now in the position of “WTF do I do now?”. He has no one else to blame, no one else to point the finger out … he’s in charge and he’s the one f’ing it all up. It’s just too bad that Fraudgers, Murphy and Petite Fleur can’t man-up like the 33rd President of the United States. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Washington Commanders Unveil New Mascot ‘General Custer’ SUMMERFIELD, MD - The Washington Football Team changed its name this year, finalizing a multiple years-long transition from 'Redskins' to 'Commanders.' Along with the shiny new name, the team announced a brand new mascot: General George Custer. "We wanted a mascot that would represent the ultimate commander," said team owner Dan Snyder. "Someone the fans could rally behind as we make our last stand on defense." General Custer, who famously said, "There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry," will be on the sidelines every game to cheer on the Commanders with the crowd. Native American leaders have been critical of the new mascot. "Commanders is vague enough to be inoffensive, but this mascot makes everything worse. Custer was famous for reveling in the slaughter of native tribes," said Chief Rolling Hamster. "I'd prefer they call themselves the Redskins at this point." Notable Indigenous Person Elizabeth Warren also expressed her disgust. "That you would parade a white man mascot around instead of a Native American is abhorrent. Are you saying Native Americans can't be commanders? I'm tired of rich white people making these decisions!" she lamented from her mansion in Cambridge. According to sources, fans in and around the nation's capital just want to enjoy some football for once in their lives. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Sure, the Packers look like crap to us this year, but – ask any Bears fan, it could be worse. It pains us to see the Vikings at the top of the division (although it is still pretty early), but we should find solace in the fact that, no matter what the Bears do, they can’t seem to get out of their own way and get up to 0.500. Last week they lost 12-7 on Thursday night to the 1-4 Washington Commanders (aka Redskins) – our opponent this week. The Commanders are sort of the Bears of the east coast … just a fucked up organization that has its head up its ass. Hell, they can’t even pick a new team name within a reasonable time frame and, when they finally do, it is widely regarded as very stupid. To be honest, I would not have been surprised if that sad excuse for a game last week ended in a 0-0 tie. Alas, however, the Bears, and the scoreboard, proved beyond a reasonable doubt that they suck even worse than the lowly Commanders, lest there be any doubt. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Jimmy Leonhard out, Paul Chryst Reinstated The Jimmy Leonhard internship has been abruptly terminated following the drubbing in East Lansing, culminating in the immediate reinstatement of Paul Chryst as head coach on Monday. An alternate ad hoc committee of Barry & Ginni Alvarez, Paul Chryst’s neighbors, and his Diet Coke valet ruled 6-3 that athletic director Chris McIntosh and their radical socialist athletic department administrators overstepped their powers in removing Chryst as head coach. Supported by a few big dollar unnamed athletic supporters, the quick re-re-org was surprisingly put in place with little fanfare. Chryst in need of new blood, cleaned house. Leonard who had at first had been busted back down to DC , was sent packing. Jimmy was last seen packing his bags and muttering something about moving to LA to become a Hollywood stuntman or maybe a rent-a-cop in charge of crowd control at the Rose Bowl parade. The reason for the firing was made clear. Congrats to one below average and mistake-prone football team (Sparty) beating another below average mistake-prone football team (Bucky). Hard to believe these two teams were ranked at one time, this season! This loss was a season killer. We were favored by 7 against a team that had been giving up yards in bunches, losing four in a row. Bucky exhibited the same inconsistency, lack of focus, lack of discipline and lack of scoring that we saw prior to the Northwestern game. Just when we were beginning to believe in Graham Mertz, he threw three passes that rank with his career worst. The first was thrown behind his tight end, letting Michigan State back in the game emotionally as they had just been stood up at the goal line. The other two passes hit MSU defenders between the numbers in the hands, only to be dropped. There were no Badger receivers in the same zip code on the last pass, which should have ended the game. To Mertz’s credit, he hit Chimere Dike for a TD pass a play or two later. After letting MSU back in the game with the pick, MSU outplayed Bucky for the remainder of the game. Superior athleticism and size took over. Fortunately, MSU repeatedly shot themselves in the foot with dumb penalties, before handing the gun over to Bucky during the second half for their share of foot shooting. Freshman ball boy Fred Malugnut was installed in Leonard’s place: This team has flaws that may not be resolved this season, short of guys coming back from injuries. It is hard to expect the flipping of the switch that we saw last year starting with the Purdue game. There is no pass rush, with the exception of Nick Herbig. To paraphrase Coach Klein from The Waterboy "Guys, Herbig can't win this game by himself". Then, pulling Herbig aside, whipers in his ear, "Herbig, you're gonna have win this game by yourself." Even with Bostad back coaching the OL, turning that mess around may be too much to ask in one season. When Mertz did have time to throw, he either couldn’t find open receivers or there were no open receivers. During his first day back in office, Chryst was quick to take action. Calling his inner Woody Hayes, and very unlike his previous incarnation, Chryst opened Wednesday’s practice by kicking center Joe Tippman and punching Graham Mertz under his facemask. Who better than Paul Chryst to fire up a team and Camp Randall crowd that can be expected to be flat as a pancake at kickoff on Saturday? Purdue’s passing game is flourishing, which is bad news for a Bucky defense lacking pass rush and lockdown coverage. Purdue’s defense is much stronger vs. the run than the pass. Bad matchups on both sides of the ball for Bucky. On paper, Bucky loses. On the field, they find the grit that has been missing this year to grind out a win 21-17. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Coach has had all he can take looking at Stats and film … ultimately this Sunday will boil down to the question: “Can Erin Fraudgers and Petite Fleur get their collective heads out of their collective asses?” Never mind the very confusing allusion and the picture it may form in your head, here is why we will win: 1. Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder. He’s f’d up the talent for years and now he’s in legal trouble and it looks like he may be kicked out of the NFL Owners Fraternity. 2. Redskin denial. Yeah, there’s a PC argument for changing the name and adopting, literally, the dumbest looking logo in the history of the NFL. Looks like Darth Vader at a Medieval Reenactors Guild meeting. 3. Tell Coach again what the problem is with the original, respectful representation of a brave Brave? 4. Last year we handled them 24-10 at Lambeau and QB Taylor Heinicke was the leading rusher … crappy run defense and all we will stop them. 5. All-time, we have a winning record and we average a 3-point win. We’ve also got a 4-3 record against them in the Fraudgers era. 6. Our Offense is (slightly) better than their Defense. Our D is slightly better than their O … overall that gives us about a point advantage at their place … but Vegas knows we are coming back and has set the line at 5 ½ points. Plan on the Pack finally showing up … with a score that echoes the 1996 Packers averages! (O 28.5 ppg, D 13.1 PPG) JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Born in Los Angeles on October 14, 1908, Adolph Schwammel, known as “Ade” or “Tar,” graduated from Freemont High School in Oakland and then entered the Navy. Eventually, he made his way onto the football team at Oregon State College in 1930. A tackle, he lettered on the gridiron in 1931, ’32 and ’33 at OSC, earning All-America status as a senior. Ade famously invented the “Pyramid Play” in college to block kicks. OSU utilized the play several times until it was banned subsequently by the NCAA. Schwammel joined the Packers in 1934 and appeared in all 13 games, starting ten. In 1935, he appeared in 11 and started eight and was named All-Pro. Unfortunately, that season his 16-yard missed field goal with 55 seconds to play against the Cardinals on Thanksgiving cost Green Bay a victory that may have propelled them to the Western crown. The following season, the Packers won the championship, and Schwammel appeared in all 12 games, starting seven, and was named to the All-Pro second team. When Ade and Curly Lambeau couldn’t agree on a contract in 1937, the burly tackle retired from football. Six years later at age 35 he returned to the Packers during World War II. He played in two games in ’43 and eight in the championship year of ’44. At that point, he retired from football for good. Schwammel went pretty much under the radar in the years that followed until Oregon officials seized thousands of donkey penises that were about to be exported to Hong Kong as aphrodisiacs. Sacks of the donkey male genitals were seized at the international airport in Portland, the Customs Service area commander, Harold Pye, told reporters. The consignment was “falsely declared by Adolph Schwammel of Corvallis, Oregon… as cow male genitals (but) after due examination, my export officers discovered they were donkey male genitals.” A total of 16 sacks of the genitals were seized, he said.
That’s a lot of organs from Oregon. So today we salute you, Ade Schwammel, for Pyramid Plays and Donkey Dicks. What the hell? Go Packers.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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