Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: …the holiday traditions that NFL players have shared might not be all that impressive. Texans wide receiver - Brandin Cooks Jaguars quarterback, Trevor Lawrence Buccaneers quarterback, Tom Brady Jets quarterback, Zach Wilson Patriots right tackle, Trent Brown Chiefs wide receiver, Tyreek Hill Giants running back, Saquon Barkley Packers former quarterback, Brett Favre I think we all can create better holiday traditions than these knuckleheads. … at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme We have the best record in the NFL without:
Matt LaFleur is Coach of the Year … mic drop And as an added schadenfreude bonus… … the Arlington Heights Staleys and the Portsmouth Lions were officially eliminated last weekend from the 2021 Super Bowl Tournament. What did Coach say ta youse last week? With Kenny Clark possibly out on a Covid Vacation, we might struggle a bit on Defense, but we have a much better team, and the Ravens have a worse injury record this year. Never-the-less … Jackson is just not in Rodgers’ league. Packers: 28 Ravens: 24 The game was Over the O/U, and the 31-30 final was even closer than the prediction … but Aaron Rodgers (132.2 Passer Rating) was better than backup Huntley (99.5 Passer Rating, but who was just as mobile as the injured Jackson). Offense (falls into the "I think I've seen this movie before" category...) Like pretty much every game this year the Offense started slow … long TD drives capped by AJ Dillion and Davante Adams TD’s, bracketed by a 3-and-out and a 4-and-out. And, also like many other games, the Pack went on a 17-3 run to start the 2nd half, starting with a 3rd Qtr opening drive of 80 yards in 13 plays ending with a TD pass to Aaron Jones. After giving up a FG, the Pack went up 28-17 after an 11 play, 88 yard drive ending in an MVS TD. The Pack went on to add a FG to make the score 31-17, but it “shudda” been 35-17 and a dagger into the “Old Browns”. Alas, Rodgers missed Lazard in the EZ twice during the game; the first time didn’t matter as Adams scored on the next play, but this one cost us 4 points and gave the Old Browns an opening to get back into the game. Defense (falls into the "I still don't trust our D in the playoffs" category...) Maybe injuries have caught up with the D, particularly with Kenny Clark not playing. But my heavens, it doesn’t explain how Darnell Salvage had his worst game as a pro. On the Old Browns first drive, Darrell Salvage went for the ball or pick instead of wrapping up TE Erin Andrews … which led to a 44-yard gain and the drive ended in a TD. Coach supposes that Savage lost his confidence as he was beaten like a drum by Andrews all day (10 receptions, 136 yards and 2 TD’s). WTF, reverse the technique on the two plays and Savage has it nailed. If he goes for the tackle in the first clip, he saves 40 yards. If he goes for the ball in the second, he saves 7 points … a one game lapse? Let’s hope so. The other problem all day was Huntley running for back-breaking 1st Downs and two TD’s. A recurring theme through the Capers and Poutine Defensive Regimes was lack of outside contain on pass and running plays. All four outside linebackers: Rashan Gary, Preston Smith, Jonathan Garvin and Tipa Galeai were culpable at various points in the game. Huntley was a problem all day (23 carries for 73 yards and two TD’s). Not having Clark to push the middle of the pocket was definitely a problem. Another problem? Not putting 11 guys on the field. WTF? Is Coach LaFleur bringing Maurice Drayton in to consult on Defensive alignments? It would help if both outside linebackers were on the field for every play. Up 31-17, apparently BeriBeri was feeling sorry for the Old Browns. On Huntley's three-yard touchdown around left end in the 4th, the Packers had a mind blowing substitution mistake and lined up with only one outside linebacker, Garvin, on the field. Both Smith and Gary left the game before the play, but only Garvin replaced them, and the Packers had only 10 players on the field. Yup, up 31-17 we let them back in the game with one mistake after another on Defense as they scored 13 unanswered points … and we were saved on a tipped 2-pt conversion. Moving on to an even more important question… How does this inept moron have a job? How bad were the special teams against the Baltimore Ravens? Let's count the ways. Green Bay defensive back Isaac Yiadom was called for fair catch interference early in the game when he ran over Baltimore's returner. Coach can’t ever recall this ever happening before – ever. Sure, guys have been blocked into the returner before, but never has a gunner watched a returner call for a fair catch and then run into him anyways. Unbelievable! ST Coordinator Mo Drayton said in his press conference that the returner leaned into Yiadom. Not only is Drayton inept at coaching, he sucks at bullshitting, too. After the Ravens cut the gap to 21-17 in the third quarter, the Packers could barely come up with a bloop kickoff. Throw in a delay of game on the punt team followed by a short punt with the game hanging in balance (after which the Old Browns scored) and you have a perfect formula to be One-and-Done in the Playoffs. Fire Drayton and hire any HS Coach in WI to run the Special Teams … and do it before Santa and the New Browns arrive Saturday! So how have we made it to 11-3? The macro stats are good, but not great. We are 14th on Offense, 10th on Defense and 10th on overall Point Differential. The answer is that we are doing very well on two stats that are not as visible. We are 2nd in net Turnover Margin and 3rd in Penalties per Game. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Friends, Family Worried Rock-Bottom Warren Sapp Will End Up With Own ESPN Morning Show MIAMI—Defensive lineman Warren Sapp spent 12 years in the NFL, earning more than $82 million over the course of his career. But a bad real estate deal, alimony and child support payments totaling $74,495 a month, and a lavish lifestyle all contributed to a bankruptcy filing in 2012, five years after he retired. Sapp claimed he couldn’t pay his $6.7 million in debt, even though he was still earning hundreds of thousands of dollars every month as a TV analyst and in appearance fees. Now, expressing concern over a recent spate of social media outbursts and drunken interviews, friends and family were reportedly worried Thursday that Warren Sapp’s downward spiral would lead to the former Buccaneer hosting an ESPN morning show. “Warren doesn’t look like himself lately, and I’d hate for him to sink to hosting a debate show with Suzy Kolber,” said a source close to Sapp, speaking on the condition of anonymity, who hoped to prevent the NFL Hall of Famer from spending the rest of his life debating trivial topics in a sterile Bristol, Connecticut studio. “The absolute worst-case scenario is him wearing some stupid hat because he lost a bet to Steven A. I’d hate to see an all-time great—and a friend— reduced to regurgitating talking points and screaming uninformed opinions. If he keeps pushing his tell-all book and wine brand so aggressively, it’ll only lead to him struggling to work an ESPN touchscreen.” At press time, Sapp’s loved ones hosted an intervention after the seven-time NFL All-Star drunkenly set up a green screen in his basement. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Allen Robinson Gives Bears List Of 12,482 Preferred Trade Destinations CHICAGO—After another disgraceful home loss (this time at the hands of the lowly Vikings), and their annual early elimination from making the playoffs, wide receiver Allen Robinson expressed a willingness to work with the Bears on figuring out the best deal for both parties, telling reporters that he has provided the organization brass with a list of 12,482 preferred trade destinations. “My list definitely includes the Buccanears, the Chiefs, any California team, and every SEC team,” said Robinson, who claimed his dissatisfaction with Bears’ front office was behind his push to join the Chargers, the Crimson Tide, or Google’s corporate front office. “Honestly, I’d even be happier in Detroit, there is a KFC in Indianapolis that would work for me, or any youth soccer team in Maryland where I could actually make a meaningful impact. I think my top choice besides the Seahawks would be the International Space Station.” At press time, the Bears were considering an offer for Robinson of a $100 gift card from a Best Buy in Trenton, New Jersey. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Preps for Arizona State at Las Vegas Bowl These two teams on paper initially looked like a great match up. Identical records, check. Similar stats, check. Bucky is a bit better at D and the Sun Satans are a bit better at O in a conference that doesn’t play D. The last meeting was too long ago for anyone on the team (coaches included) to remember. So, there will be no chips on shoulders unless there is some nefarious alum tacking stuff to the bulletin board. Back in 2013, Bucky lost in the desert with a combo of Fail Mary, Bostick onside and Jazz Peavy 7 steps in the EZ TD catch. It was ugly, BS and ruined a good season. On behalf of some alumni who never forget (CLICK ON LINK), we hope Bucky hits ASU so hard that their helmets pop off and roll on the field with their heads in it. Here at the Badger Underground, we think:
The renegade Spotted Cow has already been delivered to select bars on the strip and the Johnsonville Brat semi is en route. With the intention of enhancing the postgame experience coach Chryst’s intern has hired a new staff member, funding the position from the soon-to-be-departed (but not soon enough) Joe Rudolph salary line. It is a relatively short road trip from Tempe to Vegas. These ladies don’t care who is opting out or transferring. Steer clear of the roofies! We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Let’s go way back in time to last week and review the Old Browns / New Browns story. In this week’s episode, the New Browns were created in 1999 (just like my kid was, on a davenport). Erin Rogers first game against the New Browns was in the 2009 Season and he opened the scoring with a 45-yard TD pass to Spencer Havner. My kid was 9, and we watched the game together on our new couch. How do we match-up statistically against the Brownies? Pretty well. They are a little bit worse on both Offense and Defense, throw in a coupletree points for Home Field advantage and we are about 7 pts better, pretty close to the Vegas line of 7.5. (After publishing this table for a couple of years now, Coach hopes that you, the loyal reader, have caught on to this magic formula which almost always explains the Vegas betting line on NFL games.) All time we are 13-7 against Cleveland with an almost 6 point winning margin. During the Rodgers era, the Pack is 3-0 against the Turds, including the Bert Hundley/Melissa McCarthy win in OT in 2017. Not a long track record … but yeah, we own them too. Why will we win They have a bunch of injuries; wait, so do we ... They have a bunch of Covid guys; wait, so do we ... They have this guy… And they have regressed since last year for 4 primary reasons...
How much did one COVID-stricken game mean to the Cleveland Browns? In a matter of two minutes (actual game time), the Browns went from being the leader in the AFC North with a potential victory, to the last-place team in the division with the 16-14 last-second-field-goal loss to the Las Vegas Raiders. The Browns will be steaming in the cold Green Bay air as they exit the tunnel, but we will cover the line and be better than the all-time average… (and Erin with get “The Record”). Packers: 28 New Browns: 17 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them This week Coach has relatives coming over for Christmas, and it reminds him of holiday visits to Grandma’s when he was a kid. One of the things I couldn’t figure out when we went there -- what the heck is a Davenport? Grandpa Coach used to say, “Be a good boy sonny and get my Pall Mall cigarettes out from under the Davenport,” or “Flip the cushions before Uncle Donnie passes out on the Davenport,” or something like that. I thought it was a fictional place, like the North Pole or the Vikings trophy case. Then when I grew up I finally found out what a Davenport was, it's a running back for the Green Bay Packers. Najeh Trenadious Monté Davenport was drafted by the Packers in the 4th round of the 2002 NFL Draft. Like poor Hall of Famer Warren Sapp, Davenport played college football at the University of Miami where he won a national championship. Most of his NFL career was plagued by fumbles and injuries that kept him off the playing field, despite his natural abilities. In his rookie campaign, he rushed for a respectable 4.7 yards per carry average before fracturing his left eye socket. Ouch. In 2003, injuries were minimal and he rushed for 5.45 yards per carry, good for the second highest in the NFL, and 30.1 yards per kick return. Mister we could use a man like Najeh Davenport again. On November 29, 2004, Davenport, in his first NFL start, rushed for 178 yards, 3rd highest debut start yardage in the NFL for the past 20 years. But later that year, Davenport broke his ribs and couldn’t take the pounding that the NFL deals out to RB’s. Fast forward to 2005, after starting running back Ahman Green went down with a quadriceps injury, Davenport took over as starter. In what would be his only start of the season, versus the Saints, Davenport scored two 1st-half touchdowns before breaking his ankle, putting him on IR and effectively ending his stint with the Packers. Off the field, you’ve probably heard of the notorious summer of 2004 locker room brawl between Najeh Davenport and backup quarterback, Tim Couch. Davenport more or less stated that Couch didn't meet the Packers high performance standards and essentially forced him out of the building. So Merry Christmas to all of Coach’s loyal readers. It should be no surprise to you that Christmas is Coach’s favorite holiday, mostly because it doesn’t land during the short week of the gun buck season, and I get to by myself cool shit in December without having to explain why to Mrs. Coach other than saying “It’s for Christmas!” What’s more, it’s a lot less confusing than Easter. At Christmas, we’re celebrating the birth of Christ – everyone gets presents! Cool! At Easter, another Christian holiday, I don’t get a day off of work (I already get Sundays off), we hide eggs, and there’s a bunny. I don’t get it. Anyway, here’s to Najeh Davenport! Hurray.
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Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: Bears fans have finally eaten their slice of humble pie... Bears fans sitting near Coach at Lambeau Field on Sunday night seemed, well, almost … human! Sure, they tossed out a couple reserved taunts early when the Bears went up 10-0, but that’s to be expected of any fan cheering on his underdog team in a hostile environment. But something was noticeably different this game… They didn’t make any outlandish statements like “Now we own you!” No, they were much more quiet and subdued – keen to bite their lips, believing what we all knew already – that the Bears would likely lose convincingly at the final gun. Coach also noticed Bears fans, for the first time, did not cheer lustily when a Packers player got injured. A nice improvement! They didn’t suggest Rodgers get immunized when he was slow to stand up after a sack, and they didn’t crow when Billy Turner left the game. If they weren’t wearing Bears apparel, I wouldn’t have even known they were Bears fans at all. I imagine the few smart people in Chicagoland turned their TV’s off at halftime – content to go to bed with a blissful smile on their face, ignorant of what the final score would actually be or how their loss would play out. Those who gutted it out pretty much got what the whole world honestly expected: a blowout of the Bears at the hands of the Green Bay Packers on national television. I only wish the Bears fans in the stands didn’t chant “Fire Nagy” so loudly in the 2nd half. That really hurt the chances of the guy trying to impress Matt LaFleur for the open 2022 Packers Special Teams Coordinator job … at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme It would be awesome if Coach could brag on Rasul Douglas’ back-to-back games with Pick 6’s, but I can’t. It would be fun to remind you that Rodgers still owns the Bears, and Robert Quinn again mocked the discount double-check at his own demise, but that would be remiss. Nope, instead Coach has to talk about the TJ Rubley of LaFleur’s 3 football phases, Special Teams. Admit it, you’ve asked yourself “Is this the worst Special Teams display the Packers have had in a single game … ever … over 100+ years?” Then you probably fell back on the 2014 NFC Championship game in Seattle, when Ha-Ha gave up a not-so-funny fake field goal touchdown, and Brandon Bostick batted the ball away from Jordy Nelson to lose the onside kick (and the game), which certainly was a larger stakes Special Teams debacle compared to a regular season game against the lowly Bears. But, impact at this point in time aside, the Packers Special Teams is an embarrassment to professional football. Note: this is NOT the opinion part of The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! (that’s above), this is the factual, non-fiction, call-it-as-it-really-is portion of the show. Not only was it disgraceful for the NFL, it was a shame on everyone involved in any capacity with the Special Teams displayed on Sunday by the Packers. Shame on Brian Gutekunst for not providing a returner. Malik Taylor is not a returner. Amari Rogers is not a returner. On the Packers 53-man roster plus 16-man practice squad, they do not have a player who can return kicks or punts. And “really liking” Kylin Hill doesn’t help (hint: he is not a returner either, so keep looking next year). Shame on Matt LaFleur for ignoring his responsibility to prepare Special Teams for championship level play. As head coach, you are responsible for all 3 phases of the game. Even if you really like calling plays on Offense, your primary responsibility is the performance of the entire team. Special Teams did not have a bad week, they’ve had a dozen. Playing his own words back to him, “If you’re not getting better, you’re getting worse.” I wish Special Teams was as good as “not getting better” – 14 weeks into the season our Special Teams could not be any worse. REALLY – IT’S NOT POSSIBLE TO BE ANY WORSE:
Shame on Mo Drayton for lacking the guts to resign after the game. He is not qualified to coach Special Teams, much less coordinate them. Recall that Maurice was an assistant to the guy who got fired for incompetence last year (Shawn Menenga). By all previous accords, Drayton otherwise appears to be a stand-up guy ... So was Mahatma Ghandi, but I don’t want him coordinating our Special Teams either. And don’t give me that “we’ve got injuries” crap … every team has injuries. No other team looks this bad on Special Teams (and I am including junior high school teams here), even though technically we rank 30th in the NFL (Jets and Chargers rank lower in the obviously flawed ESPN Football Power Index). We just came off a bye week fer da cruy-yuy-eye, and had 2-weeks to self-scout; still, Special Teams got WORSE. MUCH WORSE. What the hell is Mo Drayton thinking? Case in point: MVS. Now, most of us generally like and root for Marquez, but putting the notorious concentration-lacking dropsie machine on the “good hands” crew is something I’m sure none of us would have done. …and we’re not even professional football coaches (except me, of course). Any competent coordinator would have corrected previous, and predictable, mistakes – not exacerbated them. Also, with the Malik muff out of bounds example earlier, that was the perfect opportunity to "coach" the outside guys on the kick return team to just bat the ball out of bounds! You don't need to catch it there! DUH. It's almost like our Special Teams players no nothing about Special Teams football, and that definitely falls on their coordinator. No matter how good the Offense plays, no matter how good the Defense plays, the Special Teams alone can lose a game. Sure the Defense gave up a couple big plays, but they also generated 14-points via a pick-6 and a sack turnover on a short field which led to a touchdown on the following play. Plus they had another turnover to boot. Our Special Teams kept the Bears in this game and gave them an opportunity to win late -- and when that's the Buccaneers on the other side, or the Cardinals, or the Cowboys, or the Rams, or any other team that is actually competent enough to be in the playoffs, it is unlikely the Packers can overcome their Special Teams liabilities. Coach was right about Capers, and Thompson, and McCarthy, and Menenga ... and it took at least 1 year too many to get rid of each one of those guys. Don't make that mistake again -- this could be our last chance to win the Super Bowl for quite some time. Fire Drayton. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching FOXBOROUGH, MA—Slamming the rookie’s success as a fluke of organizational competence, critics claimed Tuesday that Patriots quarterback Mac Jones was just the product of being a talented player in a system with elite defense and coaching. “People are acting like Mac [Jones] is the next great franchise QB, but he’s only doing this well because he has a complete skill set and he’s surrounded by talent and coaches who know what they can expect from their players,” said Bills fan Derrick DiMaio, who claimed that Aaron Rodgers or Patrick Mahomes could be just as successful in a setup like Mac Jones has. “You take away his accuracy, his decision making, and the Patriots’ proficiency at developing players, and he wouldn’t be anything special. Just look at what having to deal with no supporting cast and a directionless, identity-less organization has done to Trevor Lawrence. That’s what Mac Jones would be like if he wasn’t being properly utilized and well-guided. It’s all luck.” At press time, Jets, Lions, Browns, Jaguars, Giants, and Bears fans were all wishing their teams could get as lucky as the Patriots seem to be with their draft picks over and over again each year. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears Offensive Lineman Confused By Complicated Scheme Requiring Him To Make Block CHICAGO—Telling reporters that he had never seen a play drawn up like that before, Chicago Bears center Cody Whitehair admitted his confusion Sunday over a complicated scheme that required him to make a block. “I thought I understood what I was supposed to do on the play until the offensive coordinator drew this weird thing where he wanted me to block one of the pass rushers,” said Whitehair, adding that he asked his fellow linemen, including veteran Jason Peters, what the cryptic play call might mean, but no one could figure out why they would be expected to block all of a sudden. “I’m 29 years old, and in my whole career as an offensive lineman I’ve never once encountered a complicated play like this requiring me to block. I’ve also got a lot on my plate already as it is, since every play I already hike the ball to the quarterback, and after that I always hold my hand out to help him up from the ground once the play’s whistled dead. What about spreading my arms out and looking around as the other players rush past me? When am I supposed to do that? That’s the way I’m used to playing.” Whitehair reportedly wasn’t the only Bear having trouble deciphering the team’s play calls, as quarterback Justin Field told sources he was confused why the vast majority of the team’s offensive plays required him to scramble around in the backfield not seeing open receivers for a little while before getting sacked. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Badger Underground Holiday Edition Just like the Badgers, the holiday elves colors are red and white. Enjoy the ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game The Colts? Yes, the Colts play a huuge role in this week’s game. OK kids, hang with Coach for a quick minute. Irsay assumed ownership of the Baltimore Colts in 1972 after acquiring the Los Angeles Rams and swapping franchises with Carroll Rosenbloom, all made official on the same day. A forerunner to Jerry Jones, Irsay's first controversial act with the Colts was his firing of head coach Howard Schnellenberger after he opened the season 0-3 and replacing him with general manager Joe Thomas. Middle linebacker Mike Curtis voiced the players' displeasure by saying, "In defense of Irsay, he's a nice guy, an emotional guy, but he doesn't know a lot about football.” Yup, Jerry Jones, Sr. With negotiations over revenue enhancing improvements to Baltimore’s Memorial Stadium at an impasse, one of the chambers of the Maryland state legislature passed a law on March 27, 1984, allowing the city of Baltimore to seize the Colts under eminent domain. The next day, fearing a dawn raid on the team's headquarters, Irsay accepted a deal offered by the city of Indianapolis. The Mayor of Indianapolis arranged for Mayflower to pack-up the team's property and transport it to Indianapolis in the early hours of the morning of March 29 where they were greeted by an ecstatic crowd. Step 1 Irsay’s move of the Colts to Indy What to do? Baltimore was without a National Football League team until another controversial move in 1996. Step 2, The Move, Browns to Baltimore Known in Cleveland as "The Move", on November 6, 1995, Cleveland Browns Owner, Art Modell, announced his intention to move the team to Baltimore, citing the inadequacy of Cleveland Stadium and the lack of a sufficient replacement along with his heavy debt. Subsequent legal action by the city of Cleveland and Browns season ticket holders led the NFL to broker a compromise that saw the Browns franchise, history, records, and intellectual property remain in Cleveland. In return, Modell was permitted to establish a new franchise in Baltimore, which was eventually named the Ravens. The Browns franchise was officially deactivated by the NFL in February 1996 and Modell was allowed to transfer its football organization to the Ravens. The Ravens are officially regarded by the NFL as an expansion team that began play in 1996. Ironically, Baltimore had to build a stadium that Irsay wanted for the Colts so they could attract the Browns/Ravens. So being nice can pay off, or in Irsay’s case, being an asshole usually doesn’t get stuff from politicians and taxpayers… The team name "Ravens" was picked in a fan contest a name that alludes to the famous poem, The Raven, by Edgar Allan Poe, who spent the early part of his career in Baltimore, and is also buried there. “Happiness is not to be found in knowledge, but in the acquisition of knowledge.” - Edgar Allan Poe Now you know why you enjoy The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! Step 3 … Colts to Cleveland? Immediately after the “Old Browns” left Ohio a group was lobbying to get an NFL team for Cleveland. In a mind-boggling series of events, before the “New Browns” were born, Irsay was pressuring Indianapolis for a new stadium and even threatened moving to Cleveland from Indy. Had it happened the Browns and Colts would have simply switched cities over a 15-year period. Obviously, that didn’t happen and next week’s opponent, the “New Browns” were established in 1999. History Lesson Completed … So this week’s opponent is the Baltimore Browns, er, uh, Ravens. We don’t have much history with them, but we are 4-2-0 in our 6 games against them. In a bizarre twist, our average score has them winning 22.5 to 18.0! This year they are behind us by almost 2 pts/gm on Offense and by a point on Defense. Throw in Home Field advantage for the Ravens and we have about a point advantage, which is where the betting line opened this week (-2). During the course of this week it became clear that Lamar Jackson would be severely hobbled if he can play at all this Sunday. The revised betting line moved to Packers by 7. Why will we win? Simple math … 12 is greater than 8. With Kenny Clark out on a COVID vacation, we might struggle a bit on Defense, but we have a much better team and the Ravens actually have a worse injury record this year. Never-the-less … Jackson is just not in Rodgers’ league. And if that isn’t scary enough for the Ravens, ponder this… Packers: 28 Ravens: 24 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Before Aaron Jones was drafted by the Packers in the 5th round in 2017, another UT El Paso player was drafted by the Packers, Chris Jacke. Taken in the 6th round of the 1989 draft, Chris was not much of a sombrero wearer, but he is a Packers Hall of Famer and the 4th leading all-time scorer behind Mason Crosby, Ryan Shortwell, and the great Don Hutson. He was also known as a bit of a ladies man around Green Bay and Fox Cities haunts, but I digress...
While Chris was a gregarious, outgoing sort, he was still just a kicker, and kickers as we know tend to be outcasts on any football team -- and the 1996 Packers were no exception. After his infamous shagging of the coach’s daughter, and shanking game-deciding field goal attempts in the 13-10 OT loss to the Queens and the 34-31 loss to the Lions, Chris earned an extended stay in the proverbial doghouse. Young backup QB’s and kickers tend to band together. The lonely kicker queried his bud Mark Brunell for any ideas on how to quickly gain street cred with the power guys on the team. In this pre-Jeffrey Epstein era, the ticket was any combination of bow hunting, rural bars with pool tables and young girls. As a much-needed bye week coincided with the November whitetail bow hunting rut, Chris arranged a pre-CWD Counties getaway through friend and wealthy single landowner Peter Tork. The next thing you know, Chris, Brent Ferve, Frankie Winters, and Mark Chmura were careening down Highway 41 in a 1977 collector’s edition blue VW microbus with several cases of Old Style and bottles of booze on board. Brett was called upon to talk their way out of a 4 mph-over-the limit speeding ticket in Rosendale as aluminum empties rolled out of the sliding door of the bus and clinked on the pavement at the heels of officer Fife. Thirty minutes later on Hwy 23 as they reached the gates of Montello, the guys noticed a bustling gentlemen’s club “The Foxtail.” The evening went swimmingly and each of the guys hit it off with the local help. As bar time approached, there was unanimous agreement that the party should carry on at the lodge that Chris booked. One of the performers inquired ‘where are we going?’ Chris provided directions to the Mason Lake Lodge and indicated that Mike the bartender would be agreeable to keeping the bar open after hours. The performer replied ‘that’s a gay bar! We’re not hanging with you queers! We’re out! No wonder you guys lost to the likes of Detroit and Minnesota.’ Brett, Mark & Frankie pondered the idea of driving back to Green Bay and letting Chris find his own way home. After careful consideration, they opted not to bail as they had a day of peak-rut bow hunting ahead of them. Following an 8am wake-up, Brett was upset that they should have been in their tree stands at least two hours earlier, missing prime time big buck bow hunting. They hastily boarded the VW microbus and sped off to the woods. Approaching the Tork woods, a flock of chickens sprinted across the road in front of the speeding blue bus. A swath was cut through the flock, with the rearview mirrors reflecting white feathers swirling in the bus’s contrail. Chris felt compelled to stop at the farmhouse and apologize to the gap-toothed wife of the owner. Some of the chickens survived, but were fluttering in circles on the lawn with symptoms resembling those of a broken neck. Chris apologized profusely to the farmer’s wife and asked if there was anything he could do. The lady responded ‘ring their necks! It’ll have to be chicken soup for dinner tonight!’ With prime hunting time being of the essence and ticking away, Chris began snapping necks and the bus resumed it’s journey to the woods. Upon arriving at the woods, Chris shared bottles of “Buck Suicide” with his teammates. “I read about this stuff in Field & Stream. It works! Just put some on your boots and camo.” Frankie noted that it smelled like urine, but that the previous night’s excesses could have compromised his senses. Twenty minutes into the hunt, Chris’ heart was racing as a spike buck followed a doe under his tree stand. Feeling compelled to impress his teammates, Chris nocked an arrow and felled the spike buck (eventually) with multiple arrows to the stomach. While dragging the deer back across the neighbor’s property line, Chris was confronted by the angry landowner (Geoff Liniment) for not requesting permission to enter his property. As he swallowed his pride and resumed the deer drag, Chris pushed a 7-point buck in Brett’s direction. Brett dropped the deer (eventually) with an arrow up the hind quarters (a.k.a. “Texas heart shot”). After a brief ‘congratulations’ to Brett on the good shooting, Chris offered to drag the deer to the road, tie both to the blue bus and drive them to the local Bar & Grill / registration station in the nearby town. That way, Brett could keep hunting as the group had two tags to fill. Upon walking to the Tork farmhouse, Chris was attacked repeatedly by an exotic looking yellow-headed pheasant pecking at his leg. Having gained valuable experience earlier that day, Chris proceeded to ring the pheasant’s neck and avoid disrupting the hunt. A hundred yards later, Chris was greeted at the farmhouse by Peter Tork. They exchanged pleasantries and Peter asked if Chris had seen his pet pheasant with the yellow head. “She’s a real beauty. I raised her from being a chick after driving to South Dakota to get her.” Chris carefully tied Brett’s buck to the VW bus’s rear bumper and his smaller buck to the spare wheel on the front with clothesline rope. As Chris drove off, Peter suggested that the deer might not be tied on securely enough. Chris assured Peter that neither deer was going anywhere. While driving to the registration tavern, other vehicles were flashing their headlights at Chris. He gave them the thumbs up and a smile repeatedly crossed his face over how appreciative the Wisconsin locals were of successful deer hunters, let alone how impressed they must have been at the two bucks. Upon parking at the bar, the locals with angry looks on their faces appeared far less impressed. Exiting the bus, Chris was shocked to see that Brett’s 7-point buck had fallen off the bumper and had been dragged by rope for several miles. It was two parts road rash, three parts deer with fur intact, and one-part mangled antlers. A few days later, Chris invited Brett, Mark and Frankie to a deer butchering party at the recently purchased house he shared with his future former wife Tracey. New neighbor Scott offered to help out with butchering and set up the back patio firepit for cooking the tenderloins while putting down a few beers. Scott, Chris & Tracey decided to get a head start, downing several beers while waiting for Brett, Mark & Frankie to arrive. The wait lasted a couple more hours and several more rounds of drinks. Chris thought it would be a good time to set off a half stick of dynamite left over from his buddy’s bachelor party in Ensenada. Unfortunately, the dynamite blast knocked several rows of siding off of Scotts house. Brett, Mark & Frankie never arrived. Chris & Scott butchered the deer themselves. When finished, Scott asked what should be done with carcasses? After weighing multiple options, including dumping them off at the closest McDonald’s dumpster under the cover of darkness, Chris concluded it would be most efficient to drag them across the street and stash them in a ditch of the wooded State Park. Nobody would find them. It was getting late and bye week downtime ended the next morning. Chris needed to kick straight and earn back the trust of coach Holmgren. The Packers eventually went on to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, but Chris’s relationship with Mike Holmgren was broken. Chris felt snubbed after he wasn’t invited to the White House with the team to meet President Clinton, a fellow admirer of, well, let's just say "younger" women. The following spring, Ron Wolf low-balled his contract offer and reached to draft Penn State kicker Brett Conway to replace Jacke. Conway was a bust and was replaced by Ryan Longwell. Chris bounced like a Bears triple-doink from the Steelers and Redskins to the Arizona Cardinals for the 1998 & 1999 seasons, but never sold his Wisconsin residence until after Y2K... In the Spring of 2000 officer Fife was promoted from his Rosendale beat to the Brown County sheriff’s department, his first case was a complaint of skeletal deer remains being found in the State Park ditch -- with ear tags registered to a "Christopher Jacke." Officer Fife was greeted at the Jacke residence by wife Tracey, who subsequently filed for divorce. She was jailed after police were called to break up a fight between the two. According to Capt. Gary Van Den Heuvel, "She confronted him at a downtown bar. He claimed she slapped him in the face and also that she ripped his shirt.” No one has heard from Chris since. So, if you know of Chris’ whereabouts… uh, well – I guess nobody really cares, just keep it to yourself. Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: LaFleur’s press conferences are ripe for a holiday drinking game… When Coach was in college, one of the local TV stations played re-runs of the old Bob Newhart Show. Now, in case you haven’t seen it, that show featured humorist, Bob Newhart, as the main character. Try to stay with me here. A quirky aspect of the show was that whenever a guest came to visit Bob at his apartment, that visitor would walk in and say “Hi, Bob!” We weren’t the first group of guys to do this, but we would take a drink whenever “Hi, Bob!” was heard coming from the TV. For the most part, Bob never left his apartment, and every show was basically about visitors popping in to say hi. Ipso facto, we all got drunk and handed in our labs late. Along those lines, Coach has now compiled for you the most common words, phrases and themes repeatedly used by the Packers head coach, ensuring that The Matt LaFleur Press Conference Drinking Game will be the hit of your next holiday party! Just YouTube any Matt LaFleur press conference, and pull out the game board: WARNING: You will be absolutely hammered when the press conference is over. …at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme It’s time for a rest! It’s nice to get a week off after win over one of the NFC’s top teams and to have the Division Lead at 9-3. "We talked about emptying the tank and I think we're at a point where everybody's pretty exhausted," LaFleur said. "But it definitely feels good going into the bye week on a win." Unfortunately, Randal Cobb suffered a core muscle tear and he had to have surgery, hopefully he can get back in time for the playoffs. Asked for insight into the 2021 Season, Arlington Heights Staleys former TE Spike Ditka had this to say: Thru Game 12 Rodgers has done pretty well and is currently 2nd in the odds for 2021 MVP. Note here: we want a Super Bowl, Coach does not actually give a pile of feces if Erin gets a 4th MVP. Thru 12 games, the Pack are currently averaging 23.6 Pts/GM and are ranked 15th, well off the pace of last year. But, in the last two weeks, the Packers have nearly matched their league-leading scoring average of 31.8 points per game from last season. Even throwing out Rasul Douglas’ interception return for a touchdown against the Rams, the Packers’ offense has accounted for 61 points over the last two games. Rodgers believes the last two games, including Sunday’s 36-28 win over the Los Angeles Rams at Lambeau Field, should have been even more productive. “This should've been a 40-point game for us, like we felt last week [should have been],” Rodgers said after throwing for 307 yards and two touchdowns. “We're just not clicking in the red zone.” On Sunday, they converted only three of their five red zone trips into touchdowns. In last week’s 34-31 loss at the Minnesota Vikings, they were 2-for-3. This from a team that led the NFL and set a franchise record with an 80% touchdown rate inside the 20-yard line last season. “That's been kind of our bugaboo this season,” Rodgers said. “We had a couple opportunities with short fields on turnovers and only turned them into six points. That can't keep going.” Their 55.3% red zone touchdown rate likely will be one of coach Matt LaFleur’s areas of focus during this week’s bye. Rodgers is quietly improving as the 2021 Season rolls along. He’s second in the NFL with a 105.5 passer rating, and he’s in the top 10 in touchdown percentage, interception percentage and yards per attempt. Since that Week 1 debacle against the Saints, Rodgers has thrown 23 touchdowns vs. only two interceptions. In a spectacular insight, Packers Offensive Coordinator noted: “He’s really good. He’s really good.” Thanks, Coach Hackett, we didn’t know that. LaFleur and Rodgers did a great job of making the most of their opportunities against the star corner. Ramsey was targeted seven times, allowing a reception on every target for a combined 48 yards. Randall Cobb was also a huge factor in beating the Rams, he caught four passes for 95 yards and a TD in the first half. Unfortunately, he left the game at Half-Time with his core muscle injury. The win was great, but some of the recurring problems reared their ugly heads … let’s hope these got fixed over the Bye Week. Erin going Tin-Cup and not taking the 1st-Down. By Coach’s count, this is the 12th time this year that Erin has taken-and-missed deep shot instead of the short check-down pass for a 1st Down. Coach has also noticed this ignoring-of-the-1st-down-gimme as a stark difference between 12-Rodgers and 12-Brady. Just sayin. Amarone Rodgers is a liability on Punt Returns A key concept that Coach likes to emphasize is that you should stay on your feet when trying to return punts. A 2nd concept is that when we are playing at home, one of the things you can do in preparation for the game is to work with the equipment guys to get the correct length of spikes so that you don’t slip. Coach realizes that these are advanced concepts that a Rookie might have difficulty with, but we are ¾ of the way through the year now so really there are no more “Rookie” excuses at this point. Hoping to cover over the problems with Amarone, the Pack inserted the normally reliable Cobby, who promptly muffed a punt catch at 8:13 in the 2nd Qtr, giving the Rams the ball at the Packers 25. Facing 3rd & 3 at the 18, OBJ got a welcome-to-Lambeau on his first target and fortunately this Special Teams disaster was limited to 3 points. Place Kicking is a problem Crosby is struggling and obviously wants to give the kicker opportunities to build confidence (and get points). Give LaFleur credit … he caught himself in a potential mistake and pulled Crosby off the field rather than risk a missed 45-yard FG in the 1st Qtr. To this point, Special Teams is probably the biggest barrier to a 5th Lombardi in the trophy case. The Defense is good Rashan Gary is pretty damn good. Questions were raised about Gary being an underperformer in college and maybe Gutey was reaching for him as a 1st Rnd draft pick. This strip sack is just one more example of the great 2021 he’s having; too bad that Preston Smith didn’t get to the endzone, but this fumble was converted into a TD three plays later. Can this DL replicate the 2020 “1,000-pound line” of Ryan Pickett, B.J. Raji and Howard Green stuffing the run? Let’s hope so, but maybe they can be even better. The legend of Kenny Clark is building in the month of December. He has 73 tackles (12 for loss), 10 sacks and 14 quarterback hits in 20 December games. He might be the most well-rounded player at his position. Fingers Crossed that Jaire is back soon As well as the Defense is doing overall, there are still plenty of things to fix. The Packers have been one of the best in the NFL at eliminating big-play passes. Green Bay is 10th with 34 passes of 20-plus yards allowed. While that’s much better than recent years, the Packers gave up a season-worst seven vs. Minnesota. They gave up only three vs. the Rams, but two of those were for long touchdowns. Let’s hope Jaire Alexander is back on the field very soon. Same Ole Jay! Charles Woodson was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and his name and number were added to the Packers Ring of Honor in Lambeau Field during a ceremony at Half-Time of the Rams game. In a fitting tribute to the Charles-Woodson/Jay-Cutler combo, Matthew Stafford threw a Pick-6 to 2021 Surprise Hero Rasul Douglas (aka Wood-Jr). The 33-yd TD return with 1:52 left in the 3rd Qtr. to put the Packers up 36-17 and was the dagger for the game. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Jags Rookie Coach Still Adjusting To Speed Of NFL Cover-Ups JACKSONVILLE, FL—Apologizing to Jaguars fans for his early failures in leading the team, Jacksonville coach Urban Liar admitted to reporters Tuesday that he is still adjusting to the speed of NFL cover-ups. “At the college level, these scandals take a lot longer to develop, and I’ll admit I just haven’t done the work to adjust my press strategy from Ohio State,” said Liar, who explained that he was often able to shut down a damaging story or sweep a player’s transgressions under the rug with a single phone call while running a college program. “The NFL media ecosystem is just more complex than college, so I can’t run with the same simple denials I used in the past. I’m dealing with grown adults now, and lots of people have their own ideas that I can’t just override by throwing them off the team or threatening to take away a scholarship. Jaguars fans deserve a better level of cover-up than I’ve been providing, and I’m committed to learning and getting better.” At press time, Liar had hired a former assistant from the Steelers so he could learn how they managed to sweep everything Ben Roethlisberger has done under the rug. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bisexual Player Ruins Support For Bears Fan Who Preferred Smoldering Homoerotic Undertones CHICAGO—Lamenting that the Bears standout’s good run had come to an end, local man Eugene Edgars told reporters Tuesday that Roquan Smith’s recent announcement of his bisexuality had “completely ruined it” for him as he preferred the linebacker’s smoldering homoerotic undertones. “Man, I miss it when Roquan’s sexual attraction to males was there just bubbling below the surface rather than this overblown crap kowtowing to the woke mob,” said Edgars, recounting that whether “Ro-Smith” was lusting after AJ Dillon, D'Andre Swift, or Adam Thielen, it was always way more exciting when he had to grapple with these all-consuming feelings of sexual desire knowing they could never be acted upon. “It’s sad we’re not going to have any more of those knowing glances between him and Dalvin Cook, or those moments when his hand accidentally brushes up against Aaron Rodgers. Now that he’s gone and spelled it all out, it definitely loses a lot of its mystery and excitement.” Edgars reportedly took solace in the fact that he still could support the entire Bulls starting roster. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Badgers Run Game Axed We have to give a little credit to the Gophers for showing up. They had a good defensive plan where they depended on their physical DB’s to take care of our lackluster WR’s. Mertz was exposed as the so-so QB he is. With the run game going nowhere, he threw more than usual and totally Mertz’ed it. As always, there were some close and questionable calls, but basically Minnie deserved to win after trailing in a first half grinder. Could Chryst have had a better offensive plan? Gee, what do you think? Chryst’s 3-page playbook made Pee-J look like Nick Saban. Paul could have opened things up with more outside runs and high percentage passes. The single biggest challenge for this offense is that it doesn't have a Cephus/Abbrederis/Evans/Chambers at WR. MN’s more physical DB’s abused our receivers just as their more physical receivers abused our DB’s. The Goof’s DL pushed around the Bucky OL and limited Braelon Allen to a paltry 47 yards, who was dinged up as usual. Our D was pretty solid and contributed a pick 6 by Nelson. However, Nebraska and Minnesota exposed the "pretend you're a blocker and then go out for a pass"; hole in the UW defense. You can't take away everything, so Leonhard has correctly assumed that most teams (not NEB or MN) will see how much pressure we put on and always keep that extra guy in. He knows our DB's can't cover for very long, so the idea of forcing the QB to make quick decisions seems like a wise one. The problem is immediate pressure doesn't faze a QB when he's 100% sure his safety valve TE/FB is uncovered. C’mon Jimmy! Make the adjustment in the Bowl! In the woulda, shoulda category, we at BU were licking our chops for a Michigan rematch. We shoulda beat the Goofs. With the Weasels trouncing the Bucknuts, Bucky woulda moved up nicely in the polls and gone to Indy with a massive chip on their shoulder. With a win at Indy, there of course woulda been no playoff for UW, but a top 6 bowl woulda been probable, maybe the Peach, Fiesta, or Sugar Bowls. Now Bucky has a crappy bowl game to look forward to with the Las Vegas Bowl on December 30 against the Arizona State Sun Devils who were also 8-4. Finally, we wish the worst to coaches who bail on their teams before their bowl games, especially good bowl games. Kelly’s exit was even worse than Bielema’s before the 2012 Rose Bowl. He let his team know by tweet (click on link) after the leaks were around for many days. Then he met face to face with the team for 2 minutes and left without questions (clink on links). Presented without comment: (You're welcome.) We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Sometimes intentional, other times ad lib, but Rodgers added a new all-time expression to the Packers history book this year. "R-E-L-A-X” In 2014, after the third straight 1-2 start and two days after a 19-7 loss at the Detroit Lions, Rodgers said: "Five letters here just for everybody out there in Packer-land: R-E-L-A-X," Rodgers said as he slowly read off the letters one by one. "Relax. We're going to be OK." The Packers lost only twice more in the regular season to finish 12-4 and reach the NFC Championship Game. "Run the table” In 2016, after a 4-6 start and on a four-game losing streak, he said they could “run the table”. Six straight regular season wins, plus two playoff wins, put them in the NFC Championship Game. "I still own you” This year when Rodgers beat the Arlington Heights Staleys for the fifth straight time, and the 22nd time in 27 starts Rodgers responded to the fat lady flipping him off the most memorable at all. Worried that he will motivate the Staleys? No. Why? They Suck. Said Packers running back Aaron Jones: "What can you say? He's right." Packers reject TE, and Staleys journeyman, Jimmy Graham didn't take offense to Aaron Rodgers' "I own you" comment, responding "We've just got to stop them." Rodgers doubled-down saying, "At some point, what I said will be used against me -- that's just part of it. But I have no regrets for saying what I said, and obviously I think the record kinda speaks for itself. But I get it. At some point that will be used against me. It is what it is. I don't regret saying it at all." But can the Staleys stop us? Hell no! The Staleys had their chance to show the NFL, their fans and themselves that they could right the ship and beat the NFC’s No. 1 seed last week at Soldiers Fields. Not only did they lose, they were completely destroyed by the Cardinals – having to swallow whatever jagged little pill came their way. The Bears Offense (table below) is currently ranked 30th in Pts/GM. We have been mediocre all year and are ranked 16th, even so, we have an almost 7 Pt/GM advantage over the Staleys. Our Defense has an almost 4 Pt/GM advantage over the Bears and we’re ranked 5th to the Bears 22nd ranking. Put together and we are averaging a 10.5 Pt/GM advantage over the Staleys. Throw in a couple of points for Home Field Advantage and the Packers have a 12.5-point advantage over the Arlington Heights Staleys. Guess what? We are 12.5-point favorites. That 12.5-point line is the largest of any Packers game this season, with the Lions game being the only other time we were double digit favorites. Green Bay leads the league in most wins against the spread and against the spread win percentage with a record of 10-2 when bet on this season. A couple of other fun notes. With J-Love out on Covid protocol, fan fave Kurt Benkert (or is it Ben Kertben?) was signed to the active roster. Needing a warm body to replace Benkert and to run the Scout Team, the Pack signed Danny Etling, a seventh-round draft pick by New England in 2018, to the practice squad. During his Pats rookie training camp, he was the No. 3 quarterback behind Brady and Brian Hoyer. While he didn’t do much through the air – he had a woeful 52.3 passer rating – he made one of the plays of the preseason with an 86-yard touchdown run. Not only can the Pack have fun with another beat down of the Staleys this week, we can clinch a Playoff Berth with: Packers win + Saints loss or tie + 49ers loss -or - Packers win + Saints loss or tie + Rams loss + 49ers tie All the Stats-n-Stuff are fun … but let’s get back to basics for a quick second. Why will we win? The Pack will cover the spread and send the Staleys back to Arlington Heights to start the search for a new GM and Head Coach (again). Coach will save this paragraph for next year’s December edition as well. Packers: 31 Staley’s: 17 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Even though the rest of our Special Teams suck the bag, Corkey “Bojo” Bojorquez has been a pretty decent replacement for good ol’ JK Scott, en so? So life goes on, but it wasn’t all that long ago when this week’s hero replaced an incumbent punter thought to be a Packers mainstay… ‘Twas the summer of 1991, a pivotal 4th year at the helm for head coach Lindy Infante, and he knew he had to shake things up or he’d be out the door. Being the wise sage that has was, Infante fired a shot across the bow of his entire mediocre squad by replacing their 6-year veteran punter Don Bracken (R.I.P.) with training camp circuit upstart Paul McJulien (aka “the cute one”), despite Bracken’s mediocre 39.7 yard average. Oh, how the locker room shook! McJulien was not only a 26-year old rookie, but he was a founding member of The Beetles, and he averaged a whopping 39.8 yards per punt over his 2-year span in Green Bay, which made him approximately 1-inch longer than Bracken (that’s what she said). But don’t feel too bad for Don Bracken; even though had to sit out all of the 1991 season, he was picked up by the Rams in 1992, the same year Ron Wolf took over personnel moves in Green Bay. Wolf had seen enough of McJulien’s thinly sliced punts throughout the 1992 season and replaced him in 1993 with the Packers last superstar ProBowl punter, Craig Hentrich. So where did Paul McJulien end up in 1993? You guessed it: he replaced Don Bracken (again) … in Los Angeles.
Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: …Mattel could turn Rodgers’ lame responses into a “Magic Alibi” 8-Ball. Sure, he’s a 3-time MVP and a master of on-the-field improvisation, but Aaron Rodgers is also a Hall of Fame-level alibi maker. Wouldn’t it be nice to take your excuse-making to All-Pro levels with an “Magic Alibi 8-Ball”? Just imagine being able to share an uncomfortable question or explain your predicament aloud, give the ball a shake and let Aaron Rodgers’ prepared responses take care of the rest. Consider the possibilities… Question: “Have you been vaccinated against the COVID-19 virus?” (note: you have not) Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “I have been immunized.” (hey, you got a flu shot in 2018, so you’re technically not lying!) Question: “Do you still have the trust of your teammates?” Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “Hey, inside that locker room, is a team!” Question: “Were you disappointed that you did not get the Jeopardy host job?” (note: Yes, it completely ruined your “Demand a trade to LA for a dual career” Master Plan) Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “I had a blast helping out the folks at Jeopardy, but I’m an immunized QB in the NFL”. Question: “Will you re-sign with the Packers or declare Free Agency?” Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “My family and I love this city and its fans” (if asked during the season). “Ownership disrespected me with their focus on long-term success” (if asked after the season). …and it could work for NFL owners, too! Question: “Are you considering firing the Head Coach after the Thanksgiving game?” (note: everyone knows that is the plan) Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “Are we where we want to be right now? No. But there’s still a lot of ball left to be played.” Question: “Will the team’s payroll be slashed this off-season?” (note: It will.) Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “We like the direction we are going.” …in fact, it could work for almost every situation! Question: “Did you read the memo I sent out over the weekend?” (note: Nope.) Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “It’s clear that a whole lot of work went into this.” (hold document aloft). Question: “Do these jeans make me look fat?” Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “[blank triangle]” (pretending the question wasn’t asked is the first appropriate response) Question (again): “HELLO? I’m asking you if these jeans make me look fat?” Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “Are you kidding? Those jeans are not doing that.” Question: “Did you lose all our money on that gambling app?” (note: you just lost the house) Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “Ha, Ha – very funny. Of course, I didn’t” (there’s always the home equity to fall back on). Question: “Were you texting while driving when you hit that parked car?” Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “No!” (you were actually watching a girl in cut-off jean shorts bent over polishing the hood of her car). Question: “Is this opinion piece racist?” Magic Alibi 8-Ball: “I’m gonna go ahead and say all signs point to yes, even though I’m not sure why.” So, Mattel, I think you should gather a collection of A-Rod’s most handy, mirror-tested, preplanned responses into a Magic Alabi 8-Ball. It could really help a fella out… at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Always a disappointment to lose any game, but losing a completely winnable game to the ViQueens is a kick-in-the-teeth. The headline on this game (34-31 ViQueens) is that Erin Rodgers lost the game. The Defense and Special Teams contributed as well, but this was the first game this year that the Offense was called upon to win the game … and they failed, primarily due to Erin. The good news is that at 8-3 overall, we still hold the 2nd Seed and (probably) still have a shot at the 1st Seed in the Playoffs. The most amazing thing about this game is that we were even in it at all. We have had tremendously good fortune with very few injuries the last two years, but that has all come home to roost in 2021. The chart below summarizes the current week’s injury list combined with the Injured Reserve list (both short-term IR and “Out” for the Season; and for good measure, Coach included Center Corey Linsley who signed with the Chargers during the Off-Season). Counting both Pro-Bowler Linsley and his replacement (an extremely good rookie, Josh Myers) the Packers are missing 4 Pro Bowl level talents on the Offensive Line. Hat’s off OL Coach Stenavich for keeping that group performing extremely well. The DL/OLB position has been even more devastated. For a position group that was a talent concern before the Season, it’s nothing short of amazing that they are playing well with 7 guys missing. Here’s hoping that Rashan Gary and Tyler Lancaster can make it back for the Rams game. Give BeriBeri and his Coaches credit, they are doing a great job with what they have. An even bigger shout-out to Gutey. The guy put up with a lot of crap during the Offseason and he’s done nothing but put together a tremendously deep roster. So back to the ViQueens, the story of the game is all about self-inflicted wounds. We “lost” the 1st-Half of the game 16-10; but we easily could have scored at least 10 more and “shudda” held them to fewer points. We had almost even T.O.P., both had O turnovers, but we had 8 penalties for 92 yards vs. 3-25 on the Queens. Sure, the Zebras screwed us on a few penalties, but mainly we did it too ourselves and killed our drives and extended the Queen’s drives. The 1st-Half Drive Chart for the Pack is a litany of stupid, self-inflicted damage. Coach has done extensive covert research this week to determine what happened to Erin during the 1st-half. As suspected, it turned out that Melissa McCarthy had hacked into Erin’s helmet audio and used subliminal messaging to make him run around and throw stupid long balls. Rather than throw to ESB (you can’t really see him in this clip, but he’s open over the middle and would have easily picked up 15) and keep the drive alive, we ended up kicking a 54-yd FG (yay, Mason). Rather than throw to ESB (you can’t really see him in this clip, but he’s open over the middle and would have easily picked up 15) and keep the drive alive, we ended up punting. Did Coach just repeat his-self? Oh, yes, he did, pretty much the same f’up, two series in a row. To complete the night-mare flashback of McCarthyism, Rodgers also played “Hero Ball” several times. You know, line up in shotgun, get the snap and then run-around until someone gets open. It worked for a while during the 2011-2014 era, but never worked well enough to win important games. Didn’t work then, doesn’t work now. Erin targeted MVS 10 times and hit him on 4. Yes, they did have the exciting 75-yard TD in the 2nd-Half, but if we play smarter football in the 1st-Half that wouldn’t have been necessary. Special Teams didn’t kill us … sort of … Crosby flat out missed a 32-yd FG … which of course would have had us tied at the 60-minute mark. Coach supposes that 1 for 2 is better than 0 for 2. (C’mon man, made the 54-yarder and missed the 32-yarder?) Can we trust the D? Coach should have known better last week than to praise the D. Too early, gotta let Season unfold a bit more. We have had so many injuries on that you knew they would come back to bite us. The Pack have been very tight-lipped about Jaire Alexanders return, but man, Coach hopes it’s soon. Rookie Eric Stokes, Keven King and the “Hero of AZ” Douglas have all had good games … and all had major mistakes against the Queens. Eric Stokes got caught in a “communication problem” and as a result was covering no-one on more than one occasion. Give the Queens credit, they schemed to confuse the Rook. Amos makes a great interception, only to have it waived off due to the penalty. The result was Queens 1st & 10 on the Packer 19 vs. us having the ball at the 37. Three plays later the Queens went up 16-3 … and the game was over. That sequence defined the outcome of the game. We had just missed the chip-shot FG, so it was 9-3 vs. “shudda been” 9-6. Earlier on the Queens 3rd Drive, Savage was called for a 37-yd Defensive Pass Interference penalty. Between the DPI and the over-turned INT (both our mistakes), we “shudda” held them to punt and a 9-6 score. If there is good news in all of this, we almost won a game in a noisy venue, on the road, with a very injured and tired Team, against a Division opponent. Coach was never a Mike Poutine fan, but he did have one very, very memorable quote: “there’s a word for ‘almost winning’, it’s called ‘losing’”. On to the Rams. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up So-Called Diehard Fan Won’t Even Leap Over Stadium Railing To Catch Football LOS ANGELES—Casting doubt on the 35-year-old’s commitment to the franchise, so-called diehard Rams fan Eric Tremblay wouldn’t even leap over a stadium railing to catch a football thrown into the stands by LA quarterback Matthew Stafford Sunday during the team’s recent loss to the visiting Tennessee Titans. “Eric talks a big game about how this team is his life, but he wouldn’t even throw himself off the mezzanine when the time came,” said fellow Rams fan James Witt, expressing sadness that his friend had let him down and ruined his only chance to own an official NFL football. “He’s been talking about going in on season tickets, but now I’m not so sure. He had a chance to prove his loyalty by catching that ball, and he just meekly extended his hand out. So much for ‘bleeding yellow and blue,’ right?” At press time, Rams fans were spotted pelting Tremblay’s house with rocks and garbage after learning he refused to give up his roomy Exit seat to Aaron Donald on a flight back from Cancun during the Rams bye week. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof In Classic Chicago Bears Form, Report Leaks That Head Coach will be fired after Thanksgiving CHICAGO—If there was a word to describe the events that unfolded with the Chicago Bears on Tuesday, it’s dysfunction. Then again, that’s nothing new for this franchise. Matt Nagy met with Bears ownership Tuesday and was informed he’d be fired after Thursday’s game against the Detroit Lions. Nice. Nagy then cancelled the rest of Tuesday’s practice and, according to the players, he told them his meeting with owners was about “them moving forward” and that no one knows what tomorrow will bring, and they said he broke down as he addressed the team as “family.” Because he did not shed any light on his status, it left some players angry, less than 48 hours before the team will try to end a five-game losing streak against the winless Lions in a nationally televised game. Someone could have used a Magic Alabi 8-Ball !!! - "Hey coach, were you just fired?" Noteworthy, up until Tuesday the Chicago Bears have never fired a head coach midseason in their 101-year history, but it’s becoming more and more likely that tradition comes to an end with Matt Nagy. According to NFL insider Jordan Schultz, there are “an overwhelming number” of Bears players who want Nagy fired. And considering Schultz has a podcast with Bears receiver Allen Robinson, it’s hard not to assume that Robinson is the source. “He lost some of the locker room last season, but now it’s gone.” Oh, how the Bears still suck! Not only did Bears fans start a “Fire Nagy” chant at Soldiers Fields at the end of Sunday’s loss to the Ravens, but Bulls fans started their own “Fire Nagy” chant when their team was getting blown out Monday at the United Center. Classic. What’s even more brutal, during a Class 6A semifinals playoff game between Lake Forest and Cary-Grove on Saturday, those same “Fire Nagy” chants were started by Cary-Grove’s student section. It just so happens that Nagy’s son plays for Lake Forest. Ouch. Let’s hope they don’t have a dog. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Careful with that Axe Eugene Opening day of gun deer season “did not play out as we hoped” would be the upper end of the range of expectations. No deer were harmed by BU staff and no dominating performance was handed in by Bucky’s defense. The latter is somewhat distressing as the Nebraska Husker-Du’s effectively used their bye week to write the blueprint for any Badgers opponents after this Saturday’s tilt with the Goophs. Fortunately, the Goophs present a more favorable matchup for Wisconsin on both sides of the ball. They are mediocre at best stopping the run and their quarterback is not mobile or accurate enough to play pitch & catch with receivers occupying seams in our zone or spaces vacated by blitzing linebackers as Adrian Martinez did last week. Their strength is running the ball, but good luck to them running on Wisconsin. What’s there to like about Minnesota? Here comes a regular... One more chance to get it all wrong One more chance to get it all wrong One more night to do it all wrong One more warning One more warning sound We're comin' out We're comin' out We're comin' out One more day anyway One more chance anyway One more night anyway -The Replacements Sconnie 31, Goophs 10. On to Indy. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game The all-time series with the Rams could not be any closer without being identical. The record is 47-47-2, with an average score of: Pack 22.9 Rams 23.0 For the 2021 Season we are also very close, with the Pack at 8-3 and the Rams at 7-3. Statistically it’s even closer in 2021. They have an almost 5-point advantage on Offense, and we have a 3-point advantage on Defense. Throw in 2-points for being at Lambeau and Vegas is calling this a push (1/2 pt. in favor of Pack). On the other hand, home or away, St. Louis or LA, the Packers have been Domine of the Rams during the Rodgers Era (5-1); most recently the 32-18 win at Lambeau during the Divisional Rnd of the 2020 Playoffs. The Packers have a heavily-injured roster, and they are looking forward to the Bye Week after the Rams to get healed up. On the other hand, the Rams only have two guys on their injury list and based on health they will have an advantage. But this is the Green Bay Packers we are talking about. Gutey’s done a masterful job of providing depth and Matt LaFleur and the entire Team will be focused on playing well and not limping into the Bye. So, what does that leave? Yes Jimmy, Erin Rodgers vs. Matt Stafford. So, let’s compare them statistically (Coach loves stats)! On one hand, you have Matt Stafford Stafford is shown above signaling to the referee that he would like to go to the left. Why he is signaling to go left is left is a great question, Coach, Sean McVay and the Referees all have no idea. For some reason Forest Gump comes to mind … “stupid is as stupid does.” Maybe you can figure it and let Coach know. On the other hand, you have Erin Rodgers. Coach has done extensive research on this topic and has concluded that no professional athlete has ever spontaneously disrobed his foot and shown his toes to the media. The 2021 Erin Rodgers saga is a truly unique and bizarre chapter in Packers history (R.I.P. Vince Lombardi). But as we all know, Covid-Toe trumps Stupid. So maybe leave the kids’ Colllege Fund alone on this one, but at least lay down a six-pack of Leinie’s Honey Weiß! Packers 24 Rams 23 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them With Turkey-Day here, Coach got to thinking about some of the real turkeys that donned the Green & Gold. While there’s little debate of who the worst Packers player of all time is (Tony Mandarich, duh), it’s hard to gain alignment with your buddies as you pound blue-yummies at the Stadium View on who the 2nd-worst Packers player of all time is. Well, Coach is here to help you end the debate: it's Michael Haddix (you’re welcome). The hope with any NFL running back is that he will be able to at least help a team gain positive yards with the goal of earning first downs. Michael Haddix not only failed to achieve this mission throughout his NFL career, he was historically bad as a pro: averaging 3.0 yards per carry for his career, the worst in NFL history for anyone with more than 500 runs.
Haddix was a 1st round pick of the Eagles in the 1983 draft out of Mississippi State, primarily due to his fullback size and 4.5 speed. This alone was good enough to get him inducted into the Mississippi State Hall of Fame in 2019. Seems like a pretty low bar to me, but I digress… To Haddix's credit, his average was slightly higher toting the rock during his two seasons with the Packers (1989-90). The back averaged a whopping 3.1 yards per carry while playing in 32 games for Green Bay. And who was his blocking tackle up front that busted open those gaping seams for him at the line of scrimmage? You guessed it, Tony Mandarich. So today we salute you, Michael Haddix, a player with the dubious distinction of being the 2nd worst player in Packers history, ironically lined up right behind the first. |
Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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